Late Game Bench

Written By: - Date published: 8:52 am, May 6th, 2023 - 8 comments
Categories: act, greens, john tamihere, labour, maori party, national, Parliament - Tags:

Last minutes of this parliamentary term and all teams are subbing out.

At 24 minutes to go Labour’s Gaurav Sharma developed a pain in the neck, argued with the coach, tried to get reselected, but then played poorly in the playoff never seen again. Labour’s weakest player just made room for another.

At 22 minutes on the clock the Labour Captain Jacinda Ardern ran out of puff; as an impact player she scored her points in the first 20 minutes but dragged down team performance with basic lack of fitness. She’s now on the international roster for impact bench players, which better suits her. Labour winning the entire game was immediately more likely.

In the same quarter Labour’s Number 1 front row forward decided this was his last game and went list only. Grant Robertson will be remembered for putting the teams’ last hundred dollar bill on the photocopier, placing it on the window ledge, pressing print, then locking the office door.

At 15 minutes to go National’s Stephen Jack looked ready to pull on the sprigs for deep rural grassroots support. But he managed to pull his asshole trying to impress the women who unfortunately buy the tickets. The asshole injury was permanent since he could no longer sit on the bench.

The Maori Party and Labour  have turned their Maori players into an internal trading pool of head injury grunts who should otherwise have retired to lifting fenceposts or consulting. Meka Whaitiri and Louisa Wall are the first two of many enticed by this growing minor club.

Act are by a long margin the best sponsored and most disciplined of the minor teams, sometimes beating their much larger National in the game. They are heading for a very strong finish, heading to serious ministerial portfolios, and well earned player bonuses. It is a faultless performance from a tiny roster.

With just 9 minutes on the clock the Green Party have taken all their players off the field to just focus on training and reselection. Elizabeth Kerekere may try for the Maori Party pool but a fight in the training sheds makes her untradeable. Their roster aren’t sure which team they play for.

The championship is still up for grabs, and more injuries will require more subs as the body politic starts to give up.

But in these final moments, with the major teams recycling the ball in meaningless scrums and penalties, and the Greens walking off the field, the man running with the ball right now is grizzled veteran John Tamihere. Who for an old guy is playing like he has a fresh contract in front of him, which is very likely.

8 comments on “Late Game Bench ”

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  1. bwaghorn 1
    6 May 2023 at 9:16 am

    Given only 2 act players have actually come out of the changing room thus far, it'll be amusing to see how unfit the rest of the team is,if they get to play the next tournament!

  2. Shanreagh 2
    6 May 2023 at 11:12 am

    Excellent sustained metaphor Ad, no dropping of the ball!

    My question is though whether the plate full of orange quarters that is about to come will be enough to sustain the players and keep the spectators in the stands and barracking for their usual teams?

  3. RedLogix 3
    6 May 2023 at 12:55 pm

    Nice bit of writing mate! You're getting better all the time.

    • Mac1 3.1
      6 May 2023 at 5:03 pm

      My thought as well-extended metaphor, well executed. It will allow further extension with umpires, rules, crowd, coaches, backers etc……

    • Ad 3.2
      7 May 2023 at 10:27 am

      I freaking forgot loosehead prop Nash!

  4. alwyn 4
    6 May 2023 at 7:06 pm

    I was reading, and greatly enjoying this, when I came to "National’s Stephen Jack".

    My reaction was one of thinking "Who's Stephen Jack"? Wasn't wots-his-name right when he said "A week is a long time in politics"?

  5. Hunter Thompson II 5
    8 May 2023 at 9:47 am

    I wonder if the referee's rulings will be crucial – he's already made one dodgy decision concerning Meka Whaitiri.

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