Minister vs Minister – deathmatch

Written By: - Date published: 2:37 pm, February 17th, 2011 - 18 comments
Categories: national/act government, Satire - Tags:

Local Government Minister Rodney Hide has accepted Disability Minister Tariana Turia and Maori Affairs Minister Pita Sharples’ challenge to a street race to settle the Supercity Maori Advisory Board dispute. Standing beside his customised Crown limo, the Kupapa II, Sharples said “we called on Rodney to resign as he promised but he won’t. So we’re taking this battle to the streets”.

It is understood that the race will be split into several stages including a sprint section on the near-empty ‘Holiday Highway’ and an ‘off-road’ stage around quake-damaged Avonside. Earthquake Recovery Minister Gerry Brownlee has confirmed he has no plans to get the roads repaired before the race or, indeed, at all.

A Community Max scheme in South Auckland has employed 1,000 people to line the route of that stage to pretend to be fans. Social Development Minister Paula Bennett has defended the initiative. Smiling falsely, she said: ” Actually, you know, I understand it’s really hard to get a job but you’ve actually just got to keep on trying. This programme will actually give young people an opportunity to really learn vital workplace skills like standing around pointless for ages, cheering when everyone else does, and pretending to care what your betters are doing”.

Attempts were made to contact Prime Minister John Key for comment but he was too busy spitting on the unemployed.

18 comments on “Minister vs Minister – deathmatch ”

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  1. Draco T Bastard 1
    17 February 2011 at 3:05 pm

    10/10

    😆

  3. Cnr Joe 3
    17 February 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Key slurps at the end of sentences – has it really been him wanting to spit at his interlocuters the whole time? wat a creep

  4. sally 4
    17 February 2011 at 3:18 pm

    The only thing that’s missing is Bennett’s over use of ‘Actually…’

    • Armchair Critic 4.1
      17 February 2011 at 3:43 pm

      and that Key would be spitting on the unemployed in Hawaii

      • Irascible 4.1.1
        17 February 2011 at 4:13 pm

        FROM Hawaii surely? Hawaii is Key’s registered residence isn’t it?

        • Pascal's bookie 4.1.1.1
          17 February 2011 at 4:15 pm

          I want to see the long form.

        • Rex Widerstrom 4.1.1.2
          17 February 2011 at 4:22 pm

          Only so his mate Obama can say he left his birth certificate next to the ashtray and he swears it was there yesterday, before the maid came in!

          😛 😀

          P.S. Surely a more appropriate way of settling this would be a cycle race down the national cycleway, which shimmers in the sunrise as a monument to the foresight and courage of but one man… oh alright I’ll stop now.

    • bbfloyd 4.2
      17 February 2011 at 4:25 pm

      actually, i think that ms bennett actually doesn’t actually overuse that actual term at all. she actually uses it in an appropriate manner which actually helps us to make actual sense of what she is actually saying..

      • Zetetic 4.2.1
        17 February 2011 at 7:34 pm

        ‘Actually’! Knew there was a word she abuses. Couldn’t think of it. Have liberally applied some to her quote.

  5. ianmac 5
    17 February 2011 at 5:25 pm

    “Actually” is used to preface a spin.

  6. kriswgtn 6
    17 February 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks for the smile this gave me 😛

  7. Salsy 7
    17 February 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Biggest laugh of the day lol, I spilt beer on my macbook..

  8. Nick C 8
    17 February 2011 at 10:59 pm

    8/10. Get rid of the last line about Key, and the bit about Paula ‘smiling falsely’ (they are just vindictive not funny) and it moves up to a 9.

    Still much better than everyone else who has attempted satire here at The Standard

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