The Secret Diary of Prime Minister John Key aged 47 1/3

THURSDAY
Helen C. phoned v. helpful re Apec – said avoid Somare – only demand money – wrote it down in case forget – H. said should have made English foreign minister – can’t plot leadership coup when always abroad – said worked with Winston – never here to cause trouble – what about last 3 months, I asked – shocked H’s bad language when mentioned this.

FRIDAY
Flew to LA – bloody Air NZ – camp steward earbashed me – no sleep – got to Lima – motorcade with sirens ruined by Murray – had arranged meeting with Somare but not Bush, like I told him.

SATURDAY
Somare came to suite – hid in cupboard – Murray told him I called away for crisis – stayed in room all day to dodge him – watched re-runs of I Love Lucy – quite good.

SUNDAY
Wore orange tie – gave brilliant speech – Murray hammered Espiner re TV coverage. Group photo – tried to stand next to Bush – bloody photographer put me next to Somare – asked for money – told him foreign aid under review, like H. said.

MONDAY
Must buy Murray atlas – wanted to go to Cuzco – said no as can’t speak Peruvian – Murray talked nonsense – thinks we’re in Spain. Need Cabinet reshuffle – shift Murray to Arts Ministry and avoid embarrassment.

TUESDAY
Flew to London – wore green striped tie – bloody Air NZ – camp steward tried to tuck me in when went to bed – cockup by high commission – no motorcade – poor show – went shopping – bought 2 ties – one blue stripes, another blue & white check – Murray bought complete set of Jeffrey Archer – good to have literary types in Cabinet, raises tone.

WEDNESDAY
Met Queen & Duke – wore dotted green tie – cup of tea, no lunch – think they might be ga-ga – couldn’t understand anything I said – Queen asked about weather in NZ – Duke said bloody hell, stood up and meeting ended. V. odd.

THURSDAY
Went to Downing Street – wore grey silk tie – chap called Nigel gave me tea – insisted on stirring my sugar – extremely interested in my views – ended up no time for Gordon – just photographs – Gordon bared teeth at me – v. scary – Murray nicked teaspoon – wouldn’t have minded one myself.

Murray threatened Espiner – no more trips if visit to Gordon not lead on TV news – terrible dinner at high commission – pity Jonathan not still there for decent banquet.

FRIDAY
Met All Blacks at rugby ball thing – Queen came – asked about weather in NZ again – lunatic called Borat Johnson there – Murray said he’s London mayor but I suspect leg-pull.

SATURDAY
Flew home – bloody Air NZ – camp steward asked if needed help when I went to toilet – wanted to go Air Singapore for pretty hostesses, Murray said bad look – can’t trust Espiner – Murray finished whole Jeffrey Archer – need more intellectuals in Cabinet like him – read a book once, now too busy.

MONDAY
Cabinet meeting – wore tartan tie – bloody English wasted hour on financial crisis – showed firm leadership – what can we do about it, I said – turned discussion to serious matter – winning next election.

Murray said must keep Maori Party on side to win next time. Brilliant idea from Paula – free breakfast in bed for Maoris – also solve looming unemployment problem with breakfast makers and deliverers. Maori Party now in bag for sure.

Finlayson v. helpful. Said face value assessment almost certainly a Treaty obligation. Bloody English moaned about cost – complained about Maoris in remote places – said would sprout whole new grievance industry if don’t get free breakfast in bed too.

Gerry to the rescue – said we’d pay compensation – more grizzling about cost from bloody English – showed firm leadership – said that’s why he thrashed in 2002 – no vision.

Firm leadership worked – English came to office later – v. humble – got me to sign painting for Gore charity auction – went to bed happy now English sorted.

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