All hail honourable leader’s birthday

Written By: - Date published: 10:25 am, August 10th, 2010 - 28 comments
Categories: john key, Media, Satire - Tags:

Rapturous crowds of workers from People’s Information Services spontaneously gathered in Beehive theatrette yesterday to praise Beloved Leader of People’s Constitutional Monarchy of New Zealand, Honourable John Key, on anniversary of his birth.

“Comrades! I thank you!” said Honourable Key to the sighs of the crowd. Some were overwhelmed merely to be in his presence. One young cadre presented Beloved Leader with a birthday card.

Honourable Key had special message for the worker cadres. He told them not to fear unemployment or poverty and denied revisionist lies about falling wages. Under Beloved Leader’s wise and esteemed leadership many cycleways will be built across nation and with this great wealth of cycleways many jobs will be created, and some back-office banking too maybe.

One worker asked Honourable Key if it was true the counter-revolutionaries were wracked by splitists and division and would soon be defeated. Beloved Leader agreed it was true.

Worker cadres cheered the wonderful news. They promised to repeat Beloved Leader’s message to one and all. They agreed not to mention revisionist lies and to praise Honourable Key to all who would listen. Faithful cadres informed revolutionary masses that nation’s women spontaneously broke into song at news of Beloved Leader’s birthday.

All agree that under the wise and dedicated tutelage of Honourable Key, our glorious nation will bury running dog Australians by 2025.

28 comments on “All hail honourable leader’s birthday”

  1. Tigger 1

    Thanks for the laugh Eddie. Can’t remember a previous PM whose birthday was so discussed by the media. Breakfast acting like giddy schoolgirls over the birthday was particularly embarrassing.

    Never realised Key was a Leo…all his personal references (he’s very fond of giving his own experience of an event rather than an empathic reading of affairs) make a lot of sense now…

    • Lats 1.1

      To quote the infamous Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory:

      “Yes… it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun’s apparent position relevant to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.”

    • illuminatedtiger 1.2


  2. Bored 2

    Relief Eddie, I had fears for the Cycleway….all praise to our Beloved Leader.

    PS Where the F is it?

  3. Mac1 3

    Pleased to see that the female reporter in the poster has her head covered in the presence of Respected Leader.

    Great poster and post.

  4. bryce 4

    Peeked out from under my tin foil hat just long enough to read this. Well played Eddie.

  5. BLiP 5

    ♪ ♫ Why was he born so beautiful
    Why was he born at all
    He’s no fucking use to anyone
    He’s no fucking use at all ♫ ♪

  6. comedy 6

    What ? It’s Helen’s birthday ?

    • gobsmacked 6.1

      No, it isn’t Helen’s birthday.

      But it was nine times while she was PM. Feel free to point out any similarly sycophantic stories of journalists – yes, journalists – fawning over the Prime Minister, with cakes and cards and a devoted smooch on the buttocks.

      What you got?

      • Anne 6.1.1

        Tell you what I got!
        During Helen Clark’s first few months as PM, a TV1 camera crew filmed the exterior of her home in Mt Eden. For several seconds, they zoomed in on an old, scruffy garden broom which was leaning against a wooden wall just below a side window. A subliminal attempt to associate Helen (and Peter) with a shabby old run-down villa? Why else would they have used that particular footage on prime time news coverage.

        The difference in treatment between Clark and Key could not be more marked.

      • tea 6.1.2

        You don’t need that shit if you are good at your job

  7. Clarence 7

    All things considered, this is fundamentally lame.

  8. Lew 8

    Great stuff, Eddie. The pic is particularly smashing. Is it an original?


  9. Windy.City.Struggler 9

    Ah, Clarence ! Have a nice day .. and don’t forget to humbly express your appreciation to our Dear Leader for our increasingly feudal society.

    Sir John Key ? It will impress the Chinese during the next FTA round.

  10. Rex Widerstrom 10

    Great post Eddie. But funny you should say “our glorious nation will bury running dog Australians by 2025” for only this morning I was reading this article in The Australian by its Economics Editor Michael Stutchbury:

    In February, Abbott was widely mocked for his “gaffe” of suggesting that Australia should look to how the conservative-led New Zealand was dealing with the global recession without a big-bang stimulus. Didn’t he know that New Zealand went into recession and its jobless rate is significantly higher than ours?

    Yes, but New Zealand is not blessed with a recession-busting mining export boom. And its finance minister Bill English speaks like Garnaut. “We need to deal with New Zealanders’ propensity to over-consume, which is even stronger than it is here, and the effect of being able to leverage property funded by our banks,” he told The Australian on a trip to Sydney this week.

    So New Zealand did not copy Australia’s “sugar shot” cash stimulus. Rather than frenzied school building, its infrastructure stimulus has been spread over a five-year $NZ7.5bn spending program on broadband, rail, prisons, schools and housing. And, in contrast to Australia’s government-owned wholesale monopoly, New Zealand’s broadband model is based on competition and local innovation.

    More importantly, English and Prime Minister John Key have used the crisis to deliver a genuine tax reform package to boost the incentive to earn, save and export rather than consume, borrow and speculate on property…

    It may be that, after ending nearly a decade of Helen Clark’s dour Labour government, New Zealand is again moving ahead of Australia on economic reform.

    I’m not saying I agree with him, but it’s interesting that while Key is spruiking “catching up to Australia”, some in Australia are fearing “falling behind NZ”,

    • coolas 10.1

      That is THE ‘The Australian’ your quoting from Rex?

      Owned by Rupurt Murdock’s NewCorp with a link to Fox News on it’s web?

      • Rex Widerstrom 10.1.1

        Yes, acknowledging all that but note that the article’s title is “Leadership contenders have nothing to say and nothing to spend”; criticises both Abbott and Gillard; says “the Coalition’s tax policy is a shambles”; quotes Garnault (the architect of Rudd’s abandoned ETS) criticising Howard’s “Work Choices” etc. Not exactly Tory spin… remember there’s no equivalent of the Act Party to benefit from undermining the Coalition.

        And more to the point it’s an Australian predicting they might fall behind New Zealand… they’d rather have their testicles removed through their nose 😀

  11. tea 11

    Rex read the damn thing!!

    ‘New Zealand is again moving ahead of Australia on economic reform.’ =

    New Zealand is becoming a haven for dodgy business and the rich like it was in the 90s when it had great economic reform…

    They don’t say- wages are likely to catch up, or New Zealand is becoming a richer and more equitable society as a result. Or even that we are likely to improve our growth as a result.

    • Rosy 11.1

      hmmm. The author supports neo-liberal policies and Australian politicians don’t. Dog-whistling.

    • Rex Widerstrom 11.2

      Did you miss the bit where I said “I’m not saying I agree with him”, tea? And the reason I don’t is pretty much for the reasons you’ve outlined.

      I just find it ironic that National is saying “we must move toward x so as to come into line with Australia” and Australia (or at least those of a right persuasion) are now saying “we also must move toward x, so as to mimic NZ”… suggesting that actually neither believes what they’re saying, but are using supposed disparity with the other as an excuse to move toward x.

      I probably should have spelled out the irony a little better, but sheesh… I thought I was writing for a literate audience 😉 😛

      • Olwyn 11.2.1

        What I find horrible is the assumption that “moving ahead on economic reform” is self-evidently good, like getting the road toll down.

  12. Blue 12

    It’s the *Right Honorable* John Key now, Eddie.

    Dear Leader’s got a shiny new title.

  13. peterthepeasant 13

    Ah so! Eddie is from North Korea?

  14. Frank Macskasy 14

    For John Key’s birthday, gift-wrapped; one bold economic plan with vision, to get our economy moving again. (Does not come with batteries or tax-cuts.)

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