Written By:
notices and features - Date published:
2:04 pm, August 4th, 2014 - 93 comments
Categories: caption contest -
Tags: caption contest, robokey
Yes Lord Keyster, with this small implant we will replace the non functional parts of your brain with direct instructions from Galatic Emperor Jamie Dimond [CEO of JP Morgan]
shit…..
his battery packs come unplugged !
There that should do it….Now the strings are invisible again.
careful … we don’t want you to actually be able to hear the peasants.
right; this tiny invisible strip will keep your rug snug JK, no worries…
just needs a few final touches before we send it off to the madame Tussauds “crooks and villains” exhibition
I’m installing Crosby Textor spin cartridge no. CT-FO/714. It won’t hurt, but will feel a bit strange at first when you start speaking in coherent sentences. This is the foreign ownership module. This cartridge is incompatible with CT-BF/001 the ‘Brighter Future’ module which I’ve uninstalled. So steer clear of that topic, but if you can’t, then CT-DC/031 will fire up and you will just be able to say David Cunliffe is tricky and hates men.
OK- all good now
very good.
Nicely done, AB.
In this little scene, we see Malcolm unsuccessfully trying to install a new Crosby/Textor cartridge into the android PM…
Malcolm (to work colleague, Keith, off-camera) “Ah, Keith, how the hell do you get this thing to work ?”
Keith “Oh shit, what have you done, Malcolm ?”
Malcolm “I’ve hardly touched it ! I was just very carefully installing the new cartridge into it, completely according to the instruction booklet – absolutely followed it step-by-step ! And then….well… look at it !, the dumb thing’s just suddenly stopped, completely frozen, arms in mid-air !”
Keith “Ahhh shit !, well, look mate, all I know is: this android was the latest model, right ?, and I mean absolutely bloody state-of-the-art, when Crosby/Textor first purchased it in 2002. It’s needed one or two tweaks over the years, especially after it made a hash of the 2011 campaign, but overall it’s been working pretty bloody well since it became Prime Minister and now you’ve just gone and fucked it up ! I mean, Christ !, you do realise it’s got a current affairs interview in about an hour’s time and then a press conference tomorrow morning. What the hell are we gonna do ?”
yr nsa-implant has slipped..and is showing..
woops..!..rug-crisis..!
key:..’bloody huawei..!’..
It’s okay, he’s just a simple clockwork model. That’s why he is called ‘Key’. I’ll soon get him smiling and waving again.
key:..’is it still under warranty..?’..
key:..’i told bronagh i should have got the deluxe-model..!’..
man:..’now..say after me…’israel good..arabs bad’..!’
the poli-tron 3 gets a tune-up..
man:..’now..try and walk and chew at the same time..’
passer-bye gets in keys’ ear…
man:..’you’ve some big-mac in yr ear..’
key:..’this is the best way to use yr hands..in a group circle-jerk’..
Now… just connect this wire… and the drone will be operational again!
unidentified guest gets thrown out on his ear
Idlegus 100+
You’ve a scale showing … got it.
+1 haha
http://www.listener.co.nz/commentary/the-internaut/is-john-key-a-shapeshifting-reptilian-alien-ushering-humanity-towards-enslavement/
“We’ll just tape down your toupée with a bit of gaffa so the wind doesn’t catch it Prime Minister”.
Jackal earwig
Step1: Power down
….
Step 5: Insert brain.
Step 6: Turn on power.
Step 6: Press reset switch.
Now remember John, when someone asks you a question, pause for a moment and wait for the correct answer you should reply to be passed to you through this ear piece I’m putting in.
Figure 7: Primate social grooming behaviour
This chip is a massive RAM upgrade to the DevilTech® PoliticoBot™ KY-800
From 64 to a whole 128 kilobytes ! And overclocked at 200 mHz !!!
Able to multi-task up to 3 programs:
– basic OS (breathing, mumbling, obfuscating)
– muldoon v2.0 (wasteful spending, hamming up for cameras)
– rogernome v3.0 (appearance of moderation whilst slashing and selling sovereign assets)
Just hold still John, Lord Ashcroft has requested that I insert a wee something….
key:..’this is my colin craig impersonation..pretty good..!..eh..?..’
man:..’it..!..it looks like something out of ‘alien’..!..’
man:..’there’s a used condom in yr ear..!’..
It was great of the N.S.A to give us an update on our Hymie robot from the Get Smart days!
man:..’yr ayn rand is showing..!’
It’s the latest thing from the states, Prime Minister. It’s called Google Ass. Ah, fits perfectly.
Yes you will be able to listen as well as you hear, Heir Key come election day, to the sound of a Labour Victory
Now PM, I know it sucks but as youre incapable to sticking to what we tell you to say.. when you dont. you will get a couple hundred volts to keep you on track
National+Maori+United+ACT government falling apart, whose going to be talking in his ear now?
Don’t mention the Cons!
Recommend a picture of Key, glasses on, double chin showing as he looks down at his papers while sitting in parliament. Looking old and tired. Why do his opponents always show his best PR picture?
I mean Goff on the motorbike. Cunliffe bent forward sitting next to Mahota at the hustings. Why no Key images of off camera debranding.
John Key demonstrates his ” Popping & Locking” to attract the youth vote
“spin on your hands
now spin on your knees
spin on your head and now freeze”
Better insert the memory stick today
Yes, well, it may indeed be uncomfortable PM but if you want another proctologist then just get one.
John Banks has to do this himself.
key:..’goody..!..an upgrade..!’…
key:..’did you know that i was made in the same factory in the desert outside phoenix arizona..
..that they shot the moon-landing in..?’..
‘Ha, ha, I found some more wax for Banks!’
Imagine Key being unable to get his own earwax for a feed. The helper is called Waxman.
reptilian shape-shifter gets ear cleaned by lackey..
Have you tried turning it off and on again?
I can see right through sir!
New Zealand’s greatest ever Prime Minister gets ready for a television interview?
ha-ha..!..that’s the funniest..!
There’s a screw loose sir!
Is that you in there Mathew?
man:..’has banksie been foraging in here again..?
..it’s been cleaned right out..’
“Screw the babel fish! Where’s my fucking towel?!?!”
Alright. Who took the memory out?
Haha very good David
We have this solution for Middle NZ Ear.
It’s called Eustachian Glue. We will only apply this to your right ear – the left doesn’t matter.
Total deafness averted – Key’s left ear already lame by severance -Vince the St John in the now in the van man applies emergency surgery to Key’s right ear, enough ! – said John , will my insurance cover this?
The incept date is 1961 – if we reduce cognitive function we can extend the lifetime. There may be some brain fades… but the light that burns half as bright burns twice as long… and this one never burned very bright to begin with.
Is this really “Vote Positive”?
C’mon people, you want to gain the politically central voters- keep the positive message, not this childish teasing/ bullying type enabling that you decry…
let Labour vote positive.
I hope to help vote the bastards out, which is pretty negative.
it’s called laughing at the pricks..flippant..
Was that 100 rounds pertaining the Great Whore for the imperialists ?
Why was my comment not posted? Was not nasty or unfair- was that the problem?
Was genuinely pointing out this puts off us ‘centrist’ voters.. Id say same on “right wing” blogs….?
[It was stuck in spam. The machine did it … MS]
[lprent: Could also be that the system “knows” about you under a different name, and you have a ban. It is the most common reason.
I guess you’ll find out as I don’t remove morans from the spam listing until I know that they aren’t banned or their sentence is up.
Most of the time the self-evident stupidity that got them banned in the first place tends to show up over time. For a starter they tend to whine a lot Eh? ]
This government brought to you by the people who bought you the Thunderbirds!
Better let Labour win Sir, you know how bankrupt we are after lending 56 Billion we can never pay it back now!
It’s just a touch of deafness caused by Joyce’s non-stop shouting. That’s the trouble with having Joyce as your right hand man.
One of Christine Rankins earings got stuck in Keys earlobe during secret pre election cup of tea coalition deal!
ACT ACT guns were brought in to protect her from vapour trails.
Everyone wants a slice of
The jingoistic cake
“Well, Prime Minister, I can’t see the little man whose voice you can hear whispering “You’re going to lose!””
We’ve had a few problems with the AI on this one: the eyes go strange; he can’t shake hands and he lies all the time. I’ll just fiddle with the energiser battery!
Freakin heck I can see thru to the other side!
Can you find my chewing gum in there, I thought I stuck it behind my ear?
There you go darling, I’ll just dab this caviar off
You have such symmetry to your humor John
I mean, we are here to remember those who gave up their lives for their country and what do you do, you sell everything, I mean fxxkxxg everything in NZ, brilliant.
It’s hilarious, you even down sized the NZDF and were just lucky enough to get those 2 cannons in the background off trade me in exchange for some Twinkies.
I understand the symmetry of your humor, John, it’s just a reflection of the fact that there is nothing left to defend.
Well, except us against the proletariat. We have to keep them working in those foreign owned factories and farms at low pay don’t we. A good show of force every now and again keeps them in tow (I think, they call it in your business, “leverage”).
Don’t the banks win in all of this?
Even with your strange quirk of sticking caviar in your ear,
I will always love you Heir Leader
Shit John, whats that? you’ve even got lies coming out of your ear, we’d better plug that up from view.
With this new and improved Hearing Aide prime minster you will be able to hear again yet don’t worry it will filter out, all the screams of the poor, dispossessed . vulnerable,your political opponents and anything that smacks of the truth……………………………Excellent
On The Set of Bladerunner Deux….Keys the actor was implanted with the latest Durrell Corporation chip date of 2007 & expiry date of September 2014
Jesus H Christ that the last time I let Bennett Hag kiss me….she bit off my fucking ear…Hurrah Up Lacky,,,stick a new one on
Ok,,,,,I have wound up the clockwork mechanism…your good to go now Keys
Just a small prick. Will make a small incision, implant small brain, hopefully will be an improvement on your current non-existent one.
no matter how many times we adjust it, we cannot get the pronunciation/anti slur setting correct on this model.
The male version of Cherry 2000, Pollie 2000 comes to a grinding halt. Luckily, this time the back up chip was not hidden in the badlands, but available on line on discount at Trademe.
If you don’t fix it soon I will have to get that other MP with the earwax problem to come and fix it
“Excuse me Prime Minister, you have quite a bit of excess wax in your ear. Hold still while I pick it out for you. Now there will be no excuse for you to fall deaf on the calls of struggling New Zealanders.”
ah – the bullshit level needs adjusting