ImperatorFish: A statement from John Key

Written By: - Date published: 8:17 am, November 27th, 2014 - 14 comments
Categories: john key, Satire - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish kindly let’s us syndicate his posts.  This one is originally here.


Apologise? What for? I’m not sorry for anything. I have done nothing wrong. It’s Phil Goff who should be apologising. It’s Phil Goff who should resign.

If you read the report you’ll see that the Inspector General has cleared me and my office completely. In fact, she has gone on to say that I’m a splendid chap who never tells untruths, and gosh what a good and honest fellow I am. It’s all there in the report. What was that? On which page? Read it yourself. I haven’t got time to tell you how to do your job. It’s all there. Right after the bit where she mentions that I’m the best leader New Zealand has ever had, and that Nicky Hager is a serial fantasist and conspiracy theorist.

Actually, you’re wrong. It does say that. Well not in so many words, but the meaning is pretty clear. Well it’s certainly the meaning I took, and at the end of the day people will have a range of views about the particular meanings we give to various words in the English language. Just open any dictionary if you don’t believe me. Look at how many meanings the word “lie” has. It could mean to tell an untruth, but it could just as easily mean to recline flat on a surface, such as a bed or a couch. So it’s okay to lie, particularly if you’re tired and want to go to bed. Is Phil Goff now suggesting that people should not be allowed to sleep? And Labour wonders why it is so out of touch with ordinary New Zealanders.

I’m focused on the issues that matter, and the people of New Zealand aren’t interested in who may or may not have acted corruptly or dishonestly, and weren’t  Richie McCaw and the boys fantastic during the weekend, and look at this report exonerating Judith Collins, and well done to Lydia Ko, and what do you think about our flag?

Actually, this is all just a smear campaign by a desperate opposition, and I’m sure people will see it for what it is. Why don’t you ask some ordinary New Zealanders what they think? Go and ask Mike Hosking or Bill Ralston, or even Steven Joyce. Steven will tell you it’s all a beat up.

I think you’ll find at the end of the day that, actually, this is all Labour’s fault. It was an act of God. This whole thing only arose because of events arising following the Canterbury earthquakes. How can I be held responsible for the movement of tectonic plates? Labour had nine long years to do something about seismic activity in the Canterbury region, but what do they do about the problem?

I’m very relaxed about all of this. I’m relaxed about calls for honesty and integrity in our politicians, because at the end of the day who’s to say what is true and what is untrue? The only universal truth is the political poll, and everything else is relative. Some people will have views on what was said and done within my office, but I could easily find a right wing blogger with a different perspective. In fact, here’s David on the phone now. I’d better take this.

14 comments on “ImperatorFish: A statement from John Key”

  1. oarSum 1

    Key has the morals of a dog on a croquet lawn

    In his view, as the leader of a right-wing party in government, he’s done what is right and proper, which is to maintain the status quo for those in control of the purse/puppet strings

  2. cogito 2

    Great satirical post.

    One thing that puzzles me is why no-one appears to have questioned Key’s appointment of Phil De Joux as the SIS contact in Key’s office. Seems to me that De Joux was a deliberate plant and that alarm bells should have gone off at a pretty early stage.

  3. Macro 3

    How does Scott get these leaked Press Releases so early? Is Scott in the PM’s office?

  4. Tracey 4

    Great work by Trevett

    “…It had some surprising side-effects. Key found himself saying he believed Slater, that paragon of righteousness, over Inspector-General Cheryl Gwyn.

    Gwyn had found that Key’s staffer Jason Ede was the one who advised Slater to put in an Official Information Act request over Goff’s briefing from the Security Intelligence Service into suspected Mossad spies in Christchurch.

    Yet Key said Slater contested that and had said it was an anonymous tip he thought came from an SIS staffer. Another side-effect was political glaucoma that meant Key could not read some parts of the report. One such part was where Gwyn wrote Ede was on the phone to Slater just when he sent in the OIA request. He also appeared to miss the bits where Slater emailed a concerned Ede saying he would say his source was an SIS staffer.

    Key appointed Gwyn just last year as Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security as he tried to build public trust in the spy agencies after a series of stuff-ups and claims they were acting beyond their powers. What does it say that the very first time Gwyn tests her powers of inquiry, Key decides to trust the version of his pet “blogster” over her own findings?

    Confusion was a further side-effect – so when Key was asked about the findings relating to his staff’s actions, he apparently thought the question was about a
    completely different thing altogether, which cast a better light on things. “

  5. felix 5

    Under normal circumstances this would be highly exaggerated satire, but there’s barely a sentence in it that Key hasn’t literally or almost literally uttered himself.


    • adam 5.1

      That’s what happens when you have so few satirists – the politicians feel they must fill the void. Only problem is when politicians do it – it’s not laugh stuff, it’s cringe stuff.

      Wonderful piece fish.

      And + 1 on what felix said – Amazing.

  6. NZ Sage 6

    JK didn’t lie, he simply didn’t tell the truth.

    Hope that clears things up.

  7. NZJester 7

    I’m just waiting for the one with the heroic John Key stepping in and changing the law to protect the good honest bosses from the nasty unions.
    After all they kept harassing them for agreeing to let their workers illegally work through their breaks at no extra pay.
    Now those workers can legally give up the right of paid breaks to the boss and the unions can no longer harass them about it.
    Now that is legal the unions are back harassing those same good honest bosses for docking workers wages when someone steals something while they are in charge.
    You know he will have to step in again so that the law is changed to make it legal for them to dock those wages. Someone has to pay for those goods and why should the good honest boss pay for the theft.
    And you know when that is over the unions start will to complain about the good honest bosses illegally shackling the workers at their work station from 10 minutes before start time till 10 to 60 minutes after knockoff time so Key might just make that legal to at the same to to avoid future problems.
    After all if a good honest boss thinks something that is currently illegal in the workplace will help improve their profit margin those nasty unions should butt out and let the worker sign away their current rights in the workplace!
    After all if the worker did not agree to the terms they could always refuse to sign it and go look for another job elsewhere.

    (Feel free to treat this as a draft and run with it in your own words my my edited words Imperator Fish)

    • halfcrown 7.1

      NZJester I am pissed off, as I thought I was NZ’s number one cynic. but hey pal I have got to hand it to you I have met my match. First class. Well done I bow to a higher order sir.

  8. Clemgeopin 8

    Enjoyed reading this. Very good!

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