ImperatorFish: John Key explains to the media

Written By: - Date published: 8:41 am, March 12th, 2014 - 4 comments
Categories: humour, john key, Judith Collins, national, same old national, Satire - Tags: ,

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

Let me explain. There has been no breach of Cabinet rules. This has been confirmed by the Cabinet Office. Not the real Cabinet Office, but the one that exists in the deepest recesses of my imagination. That particular Cabinet Office always gives me the advice I want to hear, and the one thing I’ve learned from all my years in this place is to always listen to the voices in my head.

And let’s also be clear about Labour’s agenda here. This is only a political issue because Labour are such milk haters. Have you asked that tricky David Cunliffe why he hates milk so much? Why is he pursuing an anti-milk agenda? Milk is good for our kids, so why does tricky Cunliffe hate Kiwi kids so much? You should really look into that. He’s probably got a secret trust or two devoted to raising money for anti-milk projects, which if you ask me is disgraceful. And who’s really behind this whole anti-milk crusade? Is it Kim Dotcom? Why won’t Labour come clean and tell us who is funding their secret campaign to destroy the health of our most precious young citizens?

In any event, isn’t it time we moved on? Let’s all focus on the issues that matter to ordinary New Zealanders. That reminds me that I’ve been doing a bit of doodling, and I’ve come up with a new flag design. What do you think, guys? It’s a variant of the traditional silver fern, but I’ve added a Sky City logo. We might as well get some corporate sponsors to help pay for the flag debate, don’t you think? Actually, it was Bill’s idea. He reckons that’s what a fiscally prudent government would do.

No, I don’t agree that the flag debate is an irrelevant and unnecessary distraction. Have you seen our latest operating deficit figures? Why on earth would I want to talk about the economy?

No, I’m not going to keep answering questions about this Oravida business. There’s simply no story here. One of my ministers visited a New Zealand company’s Chinese offices and had a cup of tea. That’s all. Nothing to see. Move on, people!

No, she most certainly didn’t endorse their milk products, even if that’s what Oravida’s website seems to indicate. But have you considered that this might all be a ruse by that tricky David Cunliffe? I wouldn’t put it past tricky Cunliffe to set up a secret trust to solicit donations in order to create a fake Oravida website containing misleading and embarrassing photos and statements.

Have you asked tricky David Cunliffe about that? No, you’re too busy giving me a hard time instead of doing your jobs. Who knows what that man’s hiding? Why don’t you ask him what he was doing at 10:17am on 13 September 1992? I bet you he tells you he doesn’t remember. How’s that for tricky?

What was that? Am I scared of Judith Collins? What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m scared of Judith Collins! Everyone is scared of Judith Collins.

And now, if we can move on… That reminds me of something. I’ve been thinking some more about this flag business…

4 comments on “ImperatorFish: John Key explains to the media ”

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  1. Craig Y 1
    12 March 2014 at 8:51 am

    Interviewer: Mr Key. Are you going into coalition with the Conservatives?

    Key: Yeah but no but. Shane Jones, the Greens. The Greens are evil nasty radical socialists. Trade unions. Dancing cossacks. I’m sorry, what was that question again?

  2. Lanthanide 2
    12 March 2014 at 9:21 am

    Missed an opportunity to string along “when I was at school, I looked forwards to my daily milk. This is something National has brought back with the help of sanitarium…” etc.

  3. tricledrown 3
    12 March 2014 at 1:27 pm

    PoverLanth they have also brought back child poverty.
    And anyone who tries to milk this as fixing 285,000 children living in poverty.
    Needs locking up in a sanitarium.
    Children going home from school to a cold damp house with little or no food this very tiny bandaid is just brushing the problem of our future taxpayers under the carpet.
    Neo Liberal agenda continues unabated.
    It won’t be till the disrases of poverty start affecting the rich kids then you will see a shift to good housing good healthcare a proper balanced diet.
    So these children get the same advatanges that saw John Key dragged out of poverty and given the opportunities to become wealthy.
    The oppotunity he is Now denying those 285,000 impoverished children through no fault of their own.

  4. Tracey 4
    12 March 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Very clever.

    Will steve braunius do collins weekly diary?