Press Release: Bob Jones offers help to police

Written By: - Date published: 3:51 pm, November 23rd, 2013 - 6 comments
Categories: crime, Judith Collins, police, Satire - Tags: , , ,

In an interesting turn of events, Bob Jones has joined the Police efforts in Hawkes Bay to search for the man who assaulted an elderly woman.

Bob who recently wrote two enlightening articles for the NZ Herald, entitled “ Men can’t help but rape if women wear sexy clothes and hang out in dark places” and “Women must not be allowed behind the wheels of a car, because, well they do dumb things at roundabouts”.

Police have called on Bob’s expertise to establish if the crime actually happened, because as we now all know thanks to Bob’s article; that women don’t get raped unless they are attractive, dress sexy and go out beyond their front gate at night.

Bob has said if such a crime did occur, it must have been done by a male, because if it was a female, she would have been seen by other motorists driving “hopelessly and holding up traffic particularly at roundabouts as she tried to leave the scene of the crime .“ He told police to keep an open mind, because a cunning female offender might have realized that they would be detected driving badly, so might leave the scene of the crime on foot.

Police Minister Anne Tolley has commended Bob Jones for his community spirit in coming forward to help the police, given what appears to be gross incompetence “to say the least” in the recent West Auckland Roast Busters case.

Witnesses later overheard Judith Collins saying “ frankly I wouldn’t trust Tolley or the West Auckland police to run a bath”

 

Susan Nact

6 comments on “Press Release: Bob Jones offers help to police ”

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  1. fender 1
    23 November 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Yes we are so lucky to have Blob Jones, what a man!

    Due to the rising number of elderly looking too attractive while collecting their mail I’ve decided to start a business that collects the letterbox contents and takes them to their door. I expect it won’t take long to earn enough to purchase my own Jag, and then I can cruise around with a stinky pipe sticking out of my shit-filled mouth, just like Bob…

  2. Rogue Trooper 2
    23 November 2013 at 5:16 pm

    “ Thou wilt fall backwards when thou hast more wit ” 😛
    (Suzanne takes you down to her lilly near the river).

    ps, quite a sassy nack, by the way.

  3. adam 3
    24 November 2013 at 1:53 am

    Another reason the left is better than the right. Just funnier!

  4. CnrJoe 4
    24 November 2013 at 5:41 am

    O.K – Bob reckons that so I reckon Bob is a rapist. Probably when he was younger – possibly of men as well as women. He may have stopped now and just slaps his secretarys tightly dressed bottoms.
    Its obvious to me.

  5. tricledrown 5
    24 November 2013 at 11:02 am

    Bob Jones our howard hughes
    How many warehouses has he filled.
    We are saving him some space by taking the piss.

  6. red blooded 6
    24 November 2013 at 11:19 am

    It’s very kind of Bob to save us females from ourselves and to stop us entrapping all those helpless men who are led about by their bulging penises. Maybe we should consider burkas as a practical option.

    Of course, good old Sir B is never happier than when people are chattering about him. It would just be nice to be chattering about him surprising us with a thoughtful insight or a generous gesture for once.