“‘Allo, ‘allo, ‘allo, ‘allo” -Final episode – (Series One) “Chaos and Mayhem”

Previously on ‘Allo, allo, allo, allo’………………..

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Based on the 1980’s hit comedy “Allo, allo” Staring Cameron Slater as Rene and Judith Collins as Edith.

It is early morning at the Whale Oil Cafe, a greasy spoon cafe off K’Road.  The cafe has taken a hit. The walls have holes punched in them.  Most of the windows are smashed  and broken glass and dirt covers the cafe  floor.  The pictures of John Key are still hanging on the cafe walls, although the frames are smashed and glass broken. Above the door an oil painted  portrait of Judith Collins hangs by a thread.   A very  bad odour  emanates from the toilet, through the back room and into the cafe.

Rene (played by Cameron Slater) is flagelating himself with memory stick.   Edith (played by Judith Collins)  is trying to get rid of a dirty stain on her jacket.  Jason Ede is hiding in the back room, in a cupboard.

EDITH: “ Rene, you must stop beating yourself up.”

RENE:   You stupid woman!  I am not beating myself up.  I am beating up a nasty criminal who destroys people’s privacy and discloses their private information to everyone……………….(says in a whisper)  Rawshark”.

EDITH:  “But Cameron Rene that is your own face you are beating!”

RENE:  “ Oh god what has become of me Edith!   I mistook myself for a nasty criminal who destroys peoples privacy, discloses people’s private details and started lashing out at myself……………..when will all this end”.

EDITH:  “You don’t have to worry Cam  Rene.  John took care of Rawshark.  He can no longer feed the media anymore.  They will be forced to come back to the Whale Oil Cafe and it will be like old times.  All the regulars from The Herald.”

RENE:  “Do you think they will want to come here now???  Look at the state of this cafe.  There’s dirty finger prints all over it. And look at yourself Judith  Edith…..People are saying you look very shabby.  I think I am the only one who still loves you.”

Later that morning  in the cafe Edith is attempting to restore the oil painting of herself  which has been very badly damaged.    Dong Liu and a journalist from the Herald sit at a table, sharing a bottle of wine.

DONG LIU:   “Listen very carefully, I will say this only one.”

JOURNALIST:  “So you bid on a bottle of wine at a Labour Party function, paid $100,000.  I need you to say yes!  Sign here”, ( hands over a grubby serviette and a Whale Oil Cafe pen).

DONG LIU:  “Would you believe I went to a Labour Party function and drank a bottle of wine, then got given a signed Labour Party pamphlet.”

JOURNALIST: “Look you idiot…………..that line’s from Get Smart.  We are in ‘allo, allo, allo, allo……………I need stuff on what you donated to Labour.  Big stuff. We promised our readers there would be more.”

DONG LIU:  “What about money to a…………..um, err, umm……..  a rowing club.???…………yes I gave money to a rowing club….a lot of money”  (pauses and stares upwards, noticing the picture of John Key titling badly, but still on the wall)……”and now #TeamKey are rowing away to a bright future without me. Maurice no longer takes my calls…….where’s my brighter future?”

Meanwhile in the back room of the Whale Oil Cafe Jason Ede, who has been hiding in a cupboard for over two weeks, starts banging on the door.

EDE:  “Its dark in here!  Its so very, very dark…………………..I want to come out Cam!  Where’s my brighter future????”

RENE:  “Shut up Ede.  You have to lie low till the 21st September.  Then we can let you out when we re-float the cafe.”

Back in the cafe Audrey and John A are drinking from dirty coffee mugs.  Audrey is studying some papers. John is looking at himself in a mirror is throwing paper darts at his reflection.

JOHN:  “Gotcha!……………Gotcha!”

AUDREY:  “For goodness sake John, can’t you do something useful and help me.  I am working hard, researching my articles while drinking in the atmosphere of the Whale Oil Cafe.”

JOHN:  “What are you researching Audrey?”

AUDREY:  “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once.  I found this sex offenders registers lying around the cafe. I am going through it  to see if I can draw any dots to Labour and Cunliffe.   Last time before that awful Rawshark, I managed to get a great hit against Cunliffe with that South Island sex offender thanks to the Whale Oil tip line.  The PM was so pleased with me, I thought I would try again.”

JOHN:   “Gotcha.  Gosh gotcha is fun!” (laughs).

AUDREY:  “I would do anything for John Key.”

At the end of the day, the cafe is empty, except for Judith Edith and Rene…………Edith is still trying to restore her oil painting.  Rene has taken to using the memory stick as a pacifier.  The doors swing open and in walks John Key.

KEY:  “Did I hear someone mention dirty finger prints???  (Pauses and looks around) “Boy what a dump this place has become.”

RENE:  “Yes Rawshark has ruined everything.”

KEY:  “I’d offer to help pick up the rubbish lying around, but when my mother had her state house we always kept it tidy and I mowed the lawns, so I don’t see why you shouldn’t take some personal responsibility for clearing up this dump. Anyway, I’ve got to dash off to my brighter future.” (key exits).

It is now mid-night at the cafe.  Rene and Edith sit all alone in pitch blackness.  All is silent except the occasional whale from Jason Ede.

 EDITH:  “I don’t like this Cameron Rene.  You and I in the dark.  All alone.”

RENE:  “You know we can’t turn the lights on Judith.  We can’t afford for anyone to see inside of the Whale Oil Cafe.”

EDITH:  “What’s that??”.

RENE:  “You stupid woman………that is just the sound of rats scurrying out of Whale Oil.”

EDITH:  “No Cam  I am really scared. Listen I can hear it.  Music.  Its Sting and The Police”.

RENE:  “Your right Judith Edith”.   I can hear them singing.  Its really loud.”

 VOICE OF THE PEOPLE SINGING: “Every breath you take, and every move you make,

Every bond you break, every step you take, I’ll be watching you.

Every single day, every word you say,

every game you play, every night you stay,

I’ll be watching you.”

EDITH:  “Where do you think that music is coming from Rene?”

RENE:  “It sounds like its coming from out Left”.