BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Allies win World War Two

Written By: - Date published: 8:59 am, February 27th, 2014 - 12 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags:

With breathless excitement at Imperator Fish broke this EXCLUSIVE story 13 hours ago. Scott has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts.

Stalingrad

Breaking: These Germans will be defeated.

In an exclusive report, Imperator Fish can now confirm that the Allies won World War Two.

We can now confirm that, despite a number of mistakes and reverses between 1939 and 1945, the Allies have been too strong for Hitler.

We are also calling the Pacific War for the Allies at this stage, and we expect official confirmation of their victory shortly.

The Allies were written off by many so-called experts, especially after the fall of France. The initial successes of the Germans during their invasion of Russia led to many of these armchair generals picking Hitler as the eventual victor, but here at Imperator Fish we never once wavered in our belief that the Allies would prevail.

This result will be a deep embarrassment to those commentators who picked a combined German/Japanese victory. They have been proven utterly wrong yet again, and it is only the fact that nearly all of them died long ago that prevents them from today experiencing utter humiliation.

The Allies’ victory in the War is a game-changer. It sets up a new battle between two global superpowers, capitalist America and socialist Russia, a battle we predict will ultimately be won by the socialist bloc.

Here at Imperator Fish we’re not afraid to make the big calls. That’s why we’re also sticking our necks out and calling the Second Punic War for Hannibal. The patience, manpower and military prowess of the Romans may frighten some people, but Hannibal is a tactical genius and has never lost a battle. Look out, Romans!

lprent: It isn’t hard to figure out who Scott was satirising last night. I read the draft of Micky’s post on the Matt McCartens appointment at about 7am yesterday – he was apparently in the running for the position. It got released after the announcement. The herald also had a story early as well. But I’d already known the result even earlier. Labour sometimes leaks like a sieve

12 comments on “BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Allies win World War Two ”

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  1. greywarbler 1
    27 February 2014 at 9:46 am

    I’m thrilled to have this news. Now can you go further and make a prediction as to what Party/ies will win the 2014 election?

    It seems that Matt McCarten will be a useful tool in the battle for hearts and minds. Brains well I don’t think that enters into it. Thinking people wouldn’t be showing the polls we have seen recently. I seems to remember Matt was regarded as excellent in his organisation of the Alliance, goes after his heart’s belief. I hope that remains fixed on David Cunliffe.

  2. karol 2
    27 February 2014 at 9:50 am

    Wasn’t the “leak” about McCarten’s appointment, part of a managed announcement, ensuring maximum expectation and coverage?

    On 3 News last night, the report began with Cunliiffe’s announcement while the camera focused on the door to Cunliiffe’s office just before McCarten and Cunliffe emerged.

    Is this McCarten’s influence already in operation?

    • lprent 2.1
      27 February 2014 at 10:37 am

      They’re starting to get better about anticipation building in the Labour leaders office. Witness the leadup to Cunliffe’s Kelston speech.

      The corollary of that is that they still have some way to go on making sure of the follow through. A lot of that was somewhat sloppy and literally pulled apart so much after the speech that a large part of the impact was lost. Part of the problem is that the office hasn’t been fully staffed which has resulted in quite a lot of overwork and sloopy work.

      It could be McCarten’s initiative. Could be others who are already there. The signature is still all the same.

      I and obviously Scott just get a bit irritated with the “exclusive” bit when it was something that was well known and where we’d been following the requests of the people feeding us the info.

      Premature “EXCLUSIVE” ejeculation is just silly. Fast way to piss off sources and a good way to cause the story to go sideways into a story that isn’t the intent. Basically damn stupid.

      • hank 2.1.1
        27 February 2014 at 8:35 pm

        Another part of the problem is that DC needs to grab the bull by the horns and just do it. It’s as though he’s finally got the big fish on the line that he’s always wanted and now doesn’t know how to land it…

  3. greywarbler 3
    27 February 2014 at 9:55 am

    Another bit of breaking news. Tony Ryall is retiring and going into the private realm. The pay is probably better. He was one of Jenny Shipleys Brat Pack with Sowry, Nick Smith etc. A bunch of B’s indeed, remove the B and what have you?

    Parliament is the quatemary (one after tertiary) learning institution for those with uni degrees or equivalent experience, for head-hunting corporates. In this case MPs should be paid less, paying their share to the country for their higher education which prepares them for possible $million salaries. It is a rort now!!! They are getting their education free on the poor taxpayer.

    [lprent: Tempted to push this to OpenMike as off topic but the question is what is the topic? I’ll note instead. ]

    • greywarbler 3.1
      27 February 2014 at 11:54 am

      I thought there was a short story in the exclusivity or not, of the breaking news which was about Matt McMarten’s appointment which became an open secret apparently.

      And then I heard the breaking news of Tony Ryall and threw that in as being in the breaking news theme. And then I thought – what’s he going to do and I started thinking about parliament being a training ground for the corporates. And it grew like Topsy.

  4. mickysavage 4
    27 February 2014 at 11:23 am

    Just to clarify I never applied for the position and my being suggested as a candidate was a surprise to me and a shock to a close relative!

  5. Rich 5
    27 February 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Hitler lost?

    The Daily Mail will not be happy

    Hey mods: can you transmute this to an IMG SRC= ??

  6. rhinocrates 6
    27 February 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Myself, I took as a parody of how slow to react the MSM are, being so used to reading about things in the specialist sites that turn up on budgie cage liner weeks afterwards.