Cthulhu’s hold on Espom threatened

Written By: - Date published: 3:15 pm, October 15th, 2010 - 29 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags: , ,

This might just be Danyl’s best satire piece ever:

National to stand Spider God in Epsom

The National Party has announced that it will stand a candidate in Epsom during the 2011 election and Prime Minister John Key has thrown his support behind the nominee. The move is bound to spark controversy within the government – National is in coalition with the ACT Party which needs to win the seat in order to stay in Parliament – and many are questioning the Prime Minister’s choice of candidate, the Spider God, a newcomer to New Zealand politics

‘All hail the Spider God,’ said a press release issued by the National Party. ‘The new National candidate for Epsom in 2011.’

”The Spider God is not well-known by the general public but it is held in high regard within the National Party. It once ruled over a pre-human civilisation on the ruins of which the Maori pa that gradually became Auckland were built and it is worshipped by the criminally insane, in addition to which it enjoys strong relationships within the Auckland business community. We think the Spider God is the ideal candidate to represent Epsom for the next hundred thousand years.’

Billboards for the new candidate have already appeared along roads in Newmarket, Remuera and Mt Eden. Some feature the Spider God’s campaign slogan: ‘Darkness. Warmth. Dust.’ Others are pitch black.

According to biographical notes on it’s Facebook page the Spider God is older than our universe by more time than we can imagine, has left countless billions of worlds lifeless and shrouded in silk and has served on the boards of Lion-Nathan and Huljich Wealth Management.

Former National Party President Michelle Boag is acting as an adviser to the candidate. ‘You can already sense the change in Epsom,’ she told reporters. ‘The nights seem longer and the sun is red and dim. When I dream I see millions of tiny, furry many-legged creatures teeming over the earth and hear a deafening chittering sound. Yesterday I saw two Parnell housewives catch a stray cat and tear it apart and eat it with their bare hands. That’s the kind of nation we need to catch Australia and voters in Epsom are smart enough to see that the Spider God will be a strong advocate for them in the new New Zealand.’

But some Epsom residents are less enthused, dismissing it as a ‘parachute candidate’ forced on the electorate by the central party and the enemy of all humankind. ACT leader and Epsom MP Rodney Hide has welcomed the challenge, telling electorate voters that ACT and the Spider God shared many values. ‘Like the Spider God ACT is committed to the extermination of all sentient life but we are also committed to personal freedom and keeping New Zealand’s beaches out of the hands of the Maori. If you vote for me as an electorate MP you also get additional high quality ACT MPs like John Boscowan and Hilary Calvert, while if you vote for the Spider God you just get a God.’

Epsom voters admit that they face a difficult choice when the country goes to the polls during the general election next year. ‘I don’t want my kids to be paralysed and used to incubate the Spider God’s eggs and then slowly consumed by it’s progeniture,’ said one Newmarket dairy owner. ‘But I don’t want Rodney Hide back either.’

29 comments on “Cthulhu’s hold on Espom threatened ”

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  1. comedy 1
    15 October 2010 at 3:24 pm

    If that’s his best satire ever then the rest must be pretty weak.

  2. SHG 2
    15 October 2010 at 3:55 pm

    It would have been polite to post an excerpt and a link rather than copying and pasting the author’s entire work here.

    • Cnr Joe 2.1
      15 October 2010 at 4:46 pm

      polite? this is the Wild West!

      I’m not worried
      Filed under: media,technology — danylmc @ 7:17 am

      Via Stuff:

      Justice Minister Simon Power has ordered a review into the ”wild west” of the internet, he announced today.

      The Law Commission will examine the adequacy of regulations around how the internet interacts with the justice system.

      Bloggers and online publishers are not subject to any form of regulation or professional or ethical standards, Mr Power told Parliament.

      “I’ve ordered this review because it’s imperative the law keeps pace with technology and that we have one set of rules for all news media,” Mr Power said.

      “At the moment we’ve got two tracks – conventional media and the so-called ‘new media’ – intersecting with the justice system, and it’s not sustainable.”

      I guess the Law Commission will recommend we adopt one of those cheap, effective internet regulatory environments that other developed countries use.
      Comments (20)

    • Marty G 2.2
      16 October 2010 at 1:39 pm

      generally, excerpts are better but this was so good I didn’t want people who couldn’t be arsed clicking through from missing the whole thing.

      I think as a general principle once a post is over a day old it’s not like people are reading it on the initial site anymore, so re-posting elsewhere is a chance to give it more exposure.

  3. Policy Parrot 3
    15 October 2010 at 3:55 pm

    So if Cthulhu is elected to Parliament – and National retains power – presumably he will take over Key’s ministerial responsibility as Minister for Spiders?

  4. Rex Widerstrom 4
    15 October 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Another bloody double dipper.

    Still, Jimbo thought he could do two jobs, and he’s not even a God… oops, given the support for him expressed here, am I allowed to say that? 😛

    I think Cthulhu’s presidential campaign has the better slogan though – Why vote for a lesser evil? 😀

  5. BLiP 5
    15 October 2010 at 4:21 pm

    Very, very good. Although, the one with John Key in the “hot tub” with a Herald journo is still my favourite, with the “Key Confidendent Gandalph Will Save The Economy” a close second.

    Long live satire. Long live the DimPost.

  6. Vicky32 6
    15 October 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Completely awesome, I love it! 😀
    Deb

  7. roger nome 7
    15 October 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Nah his best post was an off-the-cuff one at kiwiblog some years ago on a thread about bush commuting scooter libby’s sentence:

    Bush Defacation Scandal Running Out of Steam
    Reuters
    29 February 2008
    THE MAN at the center of the Bush Defacation Scandal, New Zealand citizen Clint Heine has come out in defense of the President in a strongly worded public statement providing much needed political cover for the White House.

    One week ago the President broke into Heine’s home tied him down and defacated in his mouth, acts that draw sharp criticism from Democratic Senators and even some Republicans. Heine, however, has come out strongly in favor of the right of the Executive to attack people and fill their mouths with excrement.

    ‘These people who want to prevent President Bush from enjoying himself in whatever manner he pleases have already let the terrorists win,’ Heine announced in a press statement. ‘Any attempt to curtain the Presidents ability to fill peoples mouths with warm, steaming ordure must be seen as the base, partisan political trickery typical of the democrats.’

    ‘Why don’t [House Speaker] Pelosi and [Senate Leader] Reid just let the President get on with his scatophilia and address the issues that people really care about?’

    In a later statement to the press Heine launched a furious attack on former President Bill Clinton.

    ‘Clinton went to the bathroom all the time. And you can bet his fecal matter was bitter and unhygenic – not delicious and savory like Bush’s was.’ When reporters raised the issue that Clinton deposited his faeces in a toilet and not peoples mouth Heine dismissed the point as irrelevent ‘Bush bashing’.

    President Bush, squatting and straining over the bound form of an unidentified individual known only as ‘Redbaiter’ was not available for comment.

    http://www.kiwiblog.co.nz/2007/07/bush_commutes_libby_sentence.html

  8. Jum 8
    16 October 2010 at 1:04 am

    Incy wincy spider climbs up the water spout…
    Down comes the rain to wash poor incy out…

  9. felix 9
    16 October 2010 at 11:56 am

    Very funny, especially the last bit.

    But “its” doesn’t require a possessive apostrophe. Ruined the whole piece for me.

    Was having such a good day too, all considered.

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