Written By:
notices and features - Date published:
3:15 pm, October 15th, 2010 - 29 comments
Categories: Satire -
Tags: danyl mclauchlan, epsom, spider issues
This might just be Danyl’s best satire piece ever:
National to stand Spider God in Epsom
The National Party has announced that it will stand a candidate in Epsom during the 2011 election and Prime Minister John Key has thrown his support behind the nominee. The move is bound to spark controversy within the government – National is in coalition with the ACT Party which needs to win the seat in order to stay in Parliament – and many are questioning the Prime Minister’s choice of candidate, the Spider God, a newcomer to New Zealand politics
‘All hail the Spider God,’ said a press release issued by the National Party. ‘The new National candidate for Epsom in 2011.’
”The Spider God is not well-known by the general public but it is held in high regard within the National Party. It once ruled over a pre-human civilisation on the ruins of which the Maori pa that gradually became Auckland were built and it is worshipped by the criminally insane, in addition to which it enjoys strong relationships within the Auckland business community. We think the Spider God is the ideal candidate to represent Epsom for the next hundred thousand years.’
Billboards for the new candidate have already appeared along roads in Newmarket, Remuera and Mt Eden. Some feature the Spider God’s campaign slogan: ‘Darkness. Warmth. Dust.’ Others are pitch black.
According to biographical notes on it’s Facebook page the Spider God is older than our universe by more time than we can imagine, has left countless billions of worlds lifeless and shrouded in silk and has served on the boards of Lion-Nathan and Huljich Wealth Management.
Former National Party President Michelle Boag is acting as an adviser to the candidate. ‘You can already sense the change in Epsom,’ she told reporters. ‘The nights seem longer and the sun is red and dim. When I dream I see millions of tiny, furry many-legged creatures teeming over the earth and hear a deafening chittering sound. Yesterday I saw two Parnell housewives catch a stray cat and tear it apart and eat it with their bare hands. That’s the kind of nation we need to catch Australia and voters in Epsom are smart enough to see that the Spider God will be a strong advocate for them in the new New Zealand.’
But some Epsom residents are less enthused, dismissing it as a ‘parachute candidate’ forced on the electorate by the central party and the enemy of all humankind. ACT leader and Epsom MP Rodney Hide has welcomed the challenge, telling electorate voters that ACT and the Spider God shared many values. ‘Like the Spider God ACT is committed to the extermination of all sentient life but we are also committed to personal freedom and keeping New Zealand’s beaches out of the hands of the Maori. If you vote for me as an electorate MP you also get additional high quality ACT MPs like John Boscowan and Hilary Calvert, while if you vote for the Spider God you just get a God.’
Epsom voters admit that they face a difficult choice when the country goes to the polls during the general election next year. ‘I don’t want my kids to be paralysed and used to incubate the Spider God’s eggs and then slowly consumed by it’s progeniture,’ said one Newmarket dairy owner. ‘But I don’t want Rodney Hide back either.’
https://player.vimeo.com/api/player.jsKatherine Mansfield left New Zealand when she was 19 years old and died at the age of 34.In her short life she became our most famous short story writer, acquiring an international reputation for her stories, poetry, letters, journals and reviews. Biographies on Mansfield have been translated into 51 ...
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If that’s his best satire ever then the rest must be pretty weak.
you’re such a cheerful bugger.
‘Hip hip huzzah ! Death to capitalism ! They’re all RWNJs ! Everyone who doesn’t agree with me is a psychopath ! Let’s stop all trade and make everything ourselves !’
Is that better ?
‘All cheer NZ Inc. ! Death to the commies ! They’re all pinko’s ! Everyone who doesn’t agree with me is a tree hugging, lily livered, weak kneed blathering idiot ! Let’s smash the welfare system and let only the strong survive !’
Just adding some balance.
Hey comedy. This one, from prior to the election, is hard to beat I reckon:
http://dimpost.wordpress.com/2008/11/01/dim-post-party-profile-new-zealand-first/
Move over john stewart – comedy is here to claim your throne! lol – do you really think you’re funny?
I’m am to comedians as you are to scholars.
ok so you’re rigorous? Doesn’t work too well for comedy unfortunately.
I’ve always though Danyl’s best effort ever was It puts the lotion on Its skin or else It gets the hose again – a really straight post that becomes exceptionally funny (or sick) only because of the juxtaposition of the title and the subject matter.
Er…the funniest thing was the google sponsored link for whale watching holidays! I mean, he solid, but I wouldn’t put him in that category…
It would have been polite to post an excerpt and a link rather than copying and pasting the author’s entire work here.
polite? this is the Wild West!
I’m not worried
Filed under: media,technology — danylmc @ 7:17 am
Via Stuff:
Justice Minister Simon Power has ordered a review into the ”wild west” of the internet, he announced today.
The Law Commission will examine the adequacy of regulations around how the internet interacts with the justice system.
Bloggers and online publishers are not subject to any form of regulation or professional or ethical standards, Mr Power told Parliament.
“I’ve ordered this review because it’s imperative the law keeps pace with technology and that we have one set of rules for all news media,” Mr Power said.
“At the moment we’ve got two tracks – conventional media and the so-called ‘new media’ – intersecting with the justice system, and it’s not sustainable.”
I guess the Law Commission will recommend we adopt one of those cheap, effective internet regulatory environments that other developed countries use.
Comments (20)
generally, excerpts are better but this was so good I didn’t want people who couldn’t be arsed clicking through from missing the whole thing.
I think as a general principle once a post is over a day old it’s not like people are reading it on the initial site anymore, so re-posting elsewhere is a chance to give it more exposure.
So if Cthulhu is elected to Parliament – and National retains power – presumably he will take over Key’s ministerial responsibility as Minister for Spiders?
Another bloody double dipper.
Still, Jimbo thought he could do two jobs, and he’s not even a God… oops, given the support for him expressed here, am I allowed to say that? 😛
I think Cthulhu’s presidential campaign has the better slogan though – Why vote for a lesser evil? 😀
It’s true, the only thing we can hope for is to be eaten first.
http://rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm
Hah hah hah hah hah … That is a GREAT Election campaign slogan!
Very, very good. Although, the one with John Key in the “hot tub” with a Herald journo is still my favourite, with the “Key Confidendent Gandalph Will Save The Economy” a close second.
Long live satire. Long live the DimPost.
Completely awesome, I love it! 😀
Deb
Nah his best post was an off-the-cuff one at kiwiblog some years ago on a thread about bush commuting scooter libby’s sentence:
http://www.kiwiblog.co.nz/2007/07/bush_commutes_libby_sentence.html
Funnily enough there’s also a metallica song about the spider god:
As there is a Greenskeepers song about Cameron Slater.
Did you ever see the first red dragon. The one with the lead out of csi in it. That was actually the better movie
Yeah that was really hilarious. Not too sure what encouraged Danyl to make that one up but fair game to him.
Incy wincy spider climbs up the water spout…
Down comes the rain to wash poor incy out…
Very funny, especially the last bit.
But “its” doesn’t require a possessive apostrophe. Ruined the whole piece for me.
Was having such a good day too, all considered.