Satire
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ImperatorFish: A statement from Shane Jones
Written By: - Date published: 11:48 am, March 14th, 2014 - 14 comments
[probably satire] This statement has been reposted from ImperatorFish and is believed to be a work of satire by Scott Yorke (who generously allows us to reproduce his posts). However with Shane Jones, one can never be too sure what is truth and what is fantasy. Shane Jones or a reasonable facsimile thereof takes on why he isn’t going to attack the terrible Green party again (to the nearly universal chorus of “dickhead”).
ImperatorFish: John Key explains to the media
Written By: - Date published: 8:41 am, March 12th, 2014 - 4 comments
[satire] Let me explain. There has been no breach of Cabinet rules. This has been confirmed by the Cabinet Office. Not the real Cabinet Office, but the one that exists in the deepest recesses of my imagination. That particular Cabinet Office always gives me the advice I want to hear, and the one thing I’ve learned from all my years in this place is to always listen to the voices in my head.
Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.
Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 11th, 2014 - 4 comments
[satire] It’s early morning at a greasy spoon cafe set in a back street off K Road. Rene (Cameron Slater) is scrubbing the grease off the table where he and John Key sat last night. His wife Edith (Judith Collins) is trying to get a fresh milk stain off her jacket.
Taxpayers Union attacks Prince George
Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 5th, 2014 - 15 comments
[satire] The Taxpayers Union has hit out at Prince George for wasting taxpayers money by accompanying his parents, The Prince and Princess of Cambridge on their Royal Visit to New Zealand. Jordan Williams lashed out at the Prince saying “We expect that he will cost the New Zealand tax payer approximately $550 in nappies, baby food and sundry expenses while he is here; although since he is an infant, we understand he will not have to pay airfares. Even so, we are astounded at this blatant misuse of taxpayers money ”.
Craig launches defamation case against Key
Written By: - Date published: 11:49 am, March 5th, 2014 - 18 comments
[Satire] In a surprise move Colin Craig has threatened John Key with defamation proceedings for saying that he is weak and thin skinned, and may believe Elvis is alive and the moon landing was faked.
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Allies win World War Two
Written By: - Date published: 8:59 am, February 27th, 2014 - 12 comments
Breaking: These Germans will be defeated. In an EXCLUSIVE report, Imperator Fish can now confirm that the Allies won World War Two. Hitler will be DEFEATED !!!!
Rock star – “No depression”
Written By: - Date published: 11:46 am, February 21st, 2014 - 104 comments
Popular songs can capture the heartbeat of communities. “Rock Star” economy”? Or “No Depression in New Zealand”? A song that links the NZ of Muldoon & John Key. “History Never Repeats”? Who has pulled up the ladder & who wants to replace ladders with something more accessible to all?
Cameron Slater gets starring role in TVNZ drama
Written By: - Date published: 2:21 pm, February 18th, 2014 - 23 comments
Susan Nact reporting. In a dramatic turn of events, cadet reporter Tracy Whatshite (drinking in a Ponsonby cafe), found an envelope labelled “Top Secret, Property of TVNZ”. We can reveal that inside was a script for a new television series that will be screening on Channel Two later this year. The new drama, has a […]
Is John Key a shape shifting reptilian?
Written By: - Date published: 3:03 pm, February 12th, 2014 - 55 comments
Recent allegations have surfaced suggesting that John Key is a shape shifting reptilian and the Labour Party is doing a deal with Ymir, King of the Frost Giants regarding the electorate of Ginnungagap in an attempt to win the 2014 election. Is it just me or is politics getting really weird?
Key signals coalition with Labour
Written By: - Date published: 11:42 am, January 31st, 2014 - 9 comments
John Key revealed that he was not ruling out going into coalition with Labour after the next election. He is rather bored and this party may make life a bit less boring. Besides this way he can take credit for having made the Best Start.
Imperator Fish – The State of the Nation: an interview with David Cunliffe
Written By: - Date published: 10:31 pm, January 28th, 2014 - 8 comments
Scott gets an exclusive interview with David Cunliffe… and then goes Paddy Gower on his a#$e. Always good to be fair and balanced on the 2 sides of the House.
ImperatorFish: Unity!
Written By: - Date published: 11:59 am, January 12th, 2014 - 22 comments
In which ImperatorFish vows to turn over a new leaf and despite the outrageous and completely unfair barbs aimed in his direction. He will NOT respond to the wrong thinking arseholes! Afterall this is election year.
It is nice that he has included the “pond slime over at The Standard” in this vow.
Enter the Zombie Apocalypse
Written By: - Date published: 5:12 pm, January 5th, 2014 - 22 comments
Ah, heard this on weekend radio on radio NZ this afternoon. Perfect satire for the last US election. Beware the zombie apocalypse.
Hopefully our comedians and cartoonists will be equally inventive
Right Thinking: just another lawbreaking socialist villain
Written By: - Date published: 2:07 pm, December 30th, 2013 - 8 comments
Normally we’d put “ImperatorFish: ” because, well, the post come from that site and from the fertile satirical mind of Scott Yorke. But in this case it is clear that someone else must have written the post. They couldn’t get the sequence of events right and they admitted to an act that a lawyer (such a fine upstanding and moral part of community) would never admit to. Has Scott has been hacked? And why does it sound like actual Cameron Slater writing on one of his better days.
Wet Dick and the Perverts
Written By: - Date published: 10:37 am, December 27th, 2013 - 136 comments
It should be the name of a group from a bizarro version of the 1960’s. But no, it is what passes for the governance of the Auckland City Council these days. There is our mayor with his wet dick. Then we have the five perverts who are busy emoting faux outrage whilst quietly forgetting that we elected them to help run a city. Dick Quax, Cameron Brewer, and the handful of other perverts in council can play with that aspect of their lives on their own time.
John Key: The invisible man
Written By: - Date published: 7:52 am, December 12th, 2013 - 47 comments
Fresh from his comedy career on Letterman, his rolling over puppy imitation for Warner Brothers, and other such high profile appearances. John Key has now taken to reprising the role of “The Man with No Name”. Milly the kitten is better known..
ImperatorFish – John Key: I believe the children are our future
Written By: - Date published: 1:27 pm, December 10th, 2013 - 7 comments
Scott gives us John Key’s full response to the Child Poverty Report.
Breaking News: Aratere to be used in the event of a major oil spill
Written By: - Date published: 2:59 pm, December 3rd, 2013 - 38 comments
As Greenpeace make a bid in the High Court to challenge the EPA’s decision to grant Anadarko permission to deep sea drill, we can reveal the content of secret documents detailing the contingency plan in the event of a major oil spill. The documents outline how the stricken inter island ferry Aratere will be deployed in the cleanup effort, should a catastrophic event occur.
Key and English – best of friends.
Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 34 comments
In a surprising development, John Key has taken to bringing “a friend” with him to serious media interviews. Key was accompanied by Bill English. Key justified the new approach stating that their unique “chemistry was obvious to all in parliament” and he wanted the public to know, just how well they got on. When questioned whether this was relevant and important in the lives of ordinary Kiwis he said “…frankly its one of the key platforms we will be contesting the 2014 election on”.
ImperatorFish: But what about my rights?
Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 26 comments
Scott laments the hard life of the rich white man.
Press Release: Bob Jones offers help to police
Written By: - Date published: 3:51 pm, November 23rd, 2013 - 6 comments
Police have called on Bob’s expertise to establish if the crime actually happened. We now all know thanks to Bob’s expertise, that women don’t get raped unless they are attractive, dress sexy and go out beyond their front gate at night. Besides women can’t drive like a guy or have fun like a guy. Bob knows just how women think – at least better than the police?
ImperatorFish: JT and Willie in shock Radio NZ deal
Written By: - Date published: 4:25 pm, November 13th, 2013 - 16 comments
ImperatorFish follows the future direction of the hapless duo JT and Willie… Replacing Jim Mora? OMG….
ImperatorFish: UFB Project: Terms of Tender
Written By: - Date published: 6:34 pm, November 7th, 2013 - 9 comments
Scott has found the tender document for UFB rollout.
ImperatorFish: Please, please, stop your raping
Written By: - Date published: 10:00 am, November 5th, 2013 - 36 comments
Scott brings us a message from the NZ Police.
ImperatorFish: Revolution!
Written By: - Date published: 9:17 pm, November 4th, 2013 - 10 comments
Scott thinks we should all join the nz taxpayers’ union. Comrades, he hasn’t seen such a fabulous undemocratic union since the Soviet one, so what could go wrong?
ImperatorFish: A prayer to the One
Written By: - Date published: 2:21 pm, October 10th, 2013 - 3 comments
Scott prays to the eternally independent Reserve Bank Governor.
Our boat is faster than theirs
Written By: - Date published: 2:32 pm, October 3rd, 2013 - 27 comments
In the wake of the astounding victory of the NZ team in San Diego, Scott at Imperator Fish offers these words of sage advice to those on the left looking at recent polling. For those of you convinced by the current winning trend, some of us hope that you will take his advice (so the rest of us can carry on with the work that needs to be done).
ImperatorFish: A letter from a Kiwi terrorist
Written By: - Date published: 4:37 pm, August 1st, 2013 - Comments Off on ImperatorFish: A letter from a Kiwi terrorist
Scott has a letter from one of them thar Nu Zild terrists.
ImperatorFish: Patrick Gower put on notice by colleagues
Written By: - Date published: 2:51 pm, June 30th, 2013 - 25 comments
Gower told 3 News last night that he was not concerned about questions surrounding his leadership, or the failure of 3 News to move ahead of One News in the ratings. “Look, I’m confident I’ll still be here for the 2014 election,” Gower said. “Nobody in the team has said anything to me about any trouble.”
ImperatorFish: An apology from the Law Society to John Key
Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, June 27th, 2013 - 20 comments
Dear Prime Minister, It appears that we may have made a terrible mistake. We made a detailed submission outlining our concerns about your government’s plans to increase the powers of the GCSB. But it looks like we were wrong. You have told Parliament and the media that you disagree with us. You haven’t said why, but we now accept that you know better than us. What use is all our combined wisdom when arrayed against your everyman common-sense?
We’re leaving & we’re taking the dams
Written By: - Date published: 8:57 am, May 7th, 2013 - 18 comments
Following the Labour and Greens’ rejection of their demand that the parties drop their NZ Power policy to lower power prices, the business elite has announced capital flight. ‘If Origin Energy loses its rentier profits, who’s next? said Phil O’Reilly, close to tears, ‘The banks? The Telecoms duopoly? The petrol companies?* The construction materials oligopoly? The ports and airports?
- ‘Luxon Hustle’ targets foreign tech and infrastructure investors
By leveraging the fast-track in closed doors meetings, the PM hoped deep pockets would invest in NZ development The post ‘Luxon Hustle’ targets foreign tech and infrastructure investors appeared first on Newsroom. ...2 days ago - Daily crossword, Tuesday 17 December
The post Daily crossword, Tuesday 17 December appeared first on Newsroom. ...2 days ago
- How cities are reinventing the public-private partnership − 4 lessons from around the globe
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Debra Lam, Founding Director of the Partnership for Inclusive Innovation, Enterprise Innovation Institute, Georgia Institute of Technology Cities tackle a vast array of responsibilities – from building transit networks to running schools – and sometimes they can use a little help. That’s ...2 days ago - US on target in Guam with first Marine redeployment and missile test
By Mar-Vic Cagurangan in Hagatna, Guam The United States is advancing the fortification of its territory closest to China with the arrival of the first Marines from Okinawa and its first interceptor missile test in Guam last week. About 100 Marines from Japan landed on Saturday, the vanguard of about ...3 days ago
- Wellbeing provisions distracting councils from core job – Simeon Brown
The local government minister says they're also driving up rates - Labour says it's "a complete fabrication". ...3 days ago - Government warned operating Aratere ferry until 2029 ‘simply not possible’
A leaked report authored by the government's expert ministerial advisory group warns the Aratere should be retired as early as next year. ...3 days ago
- Government Washes Its Hands Of “Unethical” Plastic Waste Exports
Chai says the Government’s final decision to reject her petition “gives a lot of reasons for doing nothing”. ...3 days ago - Ngāti Kahungunu Submits In Opposition To The Treaty Principles Bill
The Ngāti Kahungunu submission clearly states the reasons why it opposes the Treaty Principles Bill, “due to its inherent contradictions and potential for detrimental consequences. Each principle, while seemingly benign, harbours flaws that necessitate ...3 days ago
- More coal and gas, less renewables: what a nuclear power plan for Australia would really mean
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By John Quiggin, Professor, School of Economics, The University of Queensland Bilanol/Shutterstock Opposition Leader Peter Dutton’s plan for nuclear power in Australia has provoked a great deal of discussion and analysis – most of it critical. Experts point out the Coalition’s long-awaited ...3 days ago
- Fast-track project publication a brick through window of democracy
It beggars belief that the government has redacted the wannabe seabed miner Trans Tasman Resources application's economic benefits to Aotearoa New Zealand, for a bill whose only purpose is the economic benefit to Aotearoa New Zealand. ...3 days ago
- What Christopher Luxon makes of his government’s 2024 efforts
The PM says 2024 has been a good start - but "I'll be the first to tell you we have a lot more to do". ...3 days ago
- What is a dark comet? A quick guide to the ‘new’ kids in the Solar System
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Rebecca Allen, Co-Director Space Technology and Industry Institute, Swinburne University of Technology Artist’s impression of ‘Oumuamua. ESA/Hubble, NASA, ESO, M. Kornmesser In 2017, NASA discovered and later confirmed the first interstellar object to enter our Solar System. It wasn’t aliens. But ...3 days ago
- Homelessness biggest driver of youth crime – advocate
An advocate for young homeless people says it's clear Oranga Tamariki needs more funding to care for teenagers and children. ...3 days ago
- Live: Chrisopher Luxon at year’s last post-Cabinet briefing
The PM says 2024 has been a good start - but "I'll be the first to tell you we have a lot more to do". ...3 days ago
- Chalmers unveils new look Reserve Bank, with women in the majority on both its boards
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Michelle Grattan, Professorial Fellow, University of Canberra A person with long experience in the financial services sector, Marnie Baker, and a distinguished academic economist, Renée Fry-McKibbin, have been appointed to serve on the Reserve Bank’s new monetary policy board: Treasurer Jim Chalmers ...3 days ago
- Push For Police To Charge For Presence At Public Events A Deterrent On Free Speech
Police have a duty to protect the public from physical harm, and the public fund them to do so. Event organisers should not be put off hosting events due to imposed costs from Police. ...3 days ago
- Open Letter On Importance Of Research In The Social Sciences And Humanities
The role of the Royal Society Te Apārangi, as set out in the Royal Society of New Zealand Act, is to advance and promote science, technology, and the humanities, and to provide expert advice on important public issues to the Government and people ...3 days ago
- Global watchdog condemns Fiji for ‘blocking’ protest marches over Gaza genocide
Asia Pacific Report A global civil society watchdog has condemned Fiji for blocking protest marches over the Palestine genocide by Israel and clamping down on a regional Pacific university demonstration with threats. However, while the Civicus Monitor rates the state of civic space in Fiji as “obstructed” it has acknowledged ...3 days ago
- FIFA has a human rights policy, so how could it award Saudi Arabia the 2034 soccer World Cup?
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Keith Rathbone, Senior Lecturer, Modern European History and Sports History, Macquarie University Last week, FIFA officially awarded Saudi Arabia the 2034 World Cup. The Gulf Kingdom was the sole bidder after the Asian Football Confederation made it clear it would not ...3 days ago
- Naloxone can reverse opioid overdose. Here’s why you might need some at home or in your bag
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Shane Darke, Professor at the National Drug & Alcohol Research Centre, UNSW Sydney Tunatura/Shutterstock Opioids are some of the most widely used and misused drugs in the world. Opioids are central nervous system depressants, meaning they slow down brain activity ...3 days ago
- Greenpeace Slams Late Release Of Redacted Fast Track Seabed Mining Documents
Over 20,000 people have signed an open letter pledging resistance to companies opting into the fast track, and a further 45,000 have signed a petition calling on the Government to ban seabed mining outright. ...3 days ago
- Fiji resort guests reported to be stable following suspected alcohol poisoning
By Caleb Fotheringham, RNZ Pacific journalist The seven people hospitalised in Fiji with suspected severe alcohol poisoning are reported to be in a stable condition, says Tourism Fiji chief executive Brent Hill. Seven people, including four Australian tourists and one American, and two other foreigners who live in Fiji, had ...3 days ago
- New to streaming: What to watch on Netflix NZ, Neon and more this week
We round up everything coming to streaming services this week, including Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Apple TV+, ThreeNow, Neon and TVNZ+. If you enjoy local documentaries: Shortland Street: Reflecting a Nation (TVNZ+, December 19) Since arriving on our screens in 1992, the iconic soap opera Shortland Street and ...3 days ago - Govt Announces No Christmas For Children In Persistent Poverty For The Next 10 Years
CPAG calls on the current government and all political parties to work towards a future where all tamariki grow up surrounded by loving, thriving whānau within supportive communities where there are resources, opportunities and systems to enable them to ...3 days ago
- Superpower rivalry is making Pacific aid a bargaining chip – vulnerable island nations still lose ...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Sione Tekiteki, Senior Lecturer, Faculty of Law, Auckland University of Technology Getty Images The A$140 million aid agreement between Australia and Nauru signed last week is a prime example of the geopolitical tightrope vulnerable Pacific nations are walking in the 21st ...3 days ago
- Everyone will want to see Yayoi Kusama at the NGV. Those who don’t will spend a lifetime regrettin...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Sasha Grishin, Adjunct Professor of Art History, Australian National University Visitors in the Yayoi Kusama exhibition at NGV International, Melbourne until April 21 2025. © YAYOI KUSAMA Photo: Danielle Castano Now aged 95, Yayoi Kusama for many decades has been considered ...3 days ago
- NZ police officers’ China trip had all the hallmarks of foreign interference operation –...
The SIS has IDed China as the major source of foreign interference activities - and the police should take heed, Anne-Marie Brady says. ...3 days ago
- Announcing the Vince Geddes In-Depth Journalism Fund
A new fund has been launched to provide freelance writers with grants to work on ambitious, in-depth journalism. The Vince Geddes In-Depth Journalism Fund, supported by the Auckland Radio Trust (ART), has been established to provide much-needed financial and editorial support to talented freelance journalists, empowering them to produce ...3 days ago
- Police China trip a classic bid to ‘curry favour’ – Andrew Little
Andrew Little says it "ought to be a worry" that 33 police staff visited China in October. ...3 days ago
- Number of youths kept in police cells 10 times higher than two years ago
The number of young people kept overnight in police cells was 418 in the year ended June. ...3 days ago
- 20 Years On: Has The Supreme Court Delivered?
Two decades after its creation, is the Supreme Court hearing the right cases and meeting its statutory objectives? ...3 days ago
- Auckland City Mission delivers dignity and holiday cheer, but faces funding uncertainty
Months of planning, scores of volunteers and thousands of food boxes are all part of Auckland City Mission – Te Tāpui Atawhai’s annual Christmas celebration. But without an ongoing funding commitment from the government, the future of this community support is uncertain. Volunteer Uncle Mike arrives at Grafton’s Boston Road, ...3 days ago
- I made it to the end of 2024 without finding out what ‘hawk tuah’ means
As soon as a new viral moment started circulating six months ago, Alex Casey made a choice to avoid it for as long as humanly possible. This is her story. It’s not that I’m totally ignorant. I know the two words: hawk tuah. I know that these two words relate ...3 days ago
- Letter From Winners Of The Prime Minister’s MacDiarmid Emerging Scientist Prize
We write to voice our disagreement with the decision to alter the Terms of Reference of the Marsden Fund such that "approximately 50 percent of funds will go towards supporting proposals with economic benefits to New Zealand". We urge the Government ...3 days ago
- ‘The best is still ahead’: I spoke with LGBTQ+ people on ageing well. This is what they told me
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Jinwen Chen, PhD Graduate in Social Geography, Flinders University What does it mean to live and age well? My doctoral research sought to understand this from the perspective of LGBTQ+ people of diverse cultural backgrounds in Australia. I spoke with 14 ...3 days ago
- What is it about Holloway Road? The ghosts of Wellington’s most atmospheric street
Claire Mabey explores the past and present of Holloway Road, one of Wellington’s most mysterious and storied communities. All photos by Claire Mabey. A pair of long-eared goats graze high on the verdant hillside. There’s a near-constant shriek of kākā flying overhead, passing over like fantastical creatures. The Lilliput library ...3 days ago
- Many more men are dying on Australian roads than women. It’s time we addressed it
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Margaret Brown, Adjunct Research Fellow, UniSA Justice and Society, University of South Australia Shutterstock Men are killing themselves on the roads in large numbers. Currently, policymakers fail to recognise the different ways men and women use roads, and the resulting ways ...3 days ago
- Holidays help us rest and recover. But Greeks and Romans weren’t always convinced
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Konstantine Panegyres, McKenzie Postdoctoral Fellow, researching Greco-Roman antiquity, The University of Melbourne Roman Samborskyi/Shutterstock The Greek philosopher Plutarch of Chaeronea (1st-2nd century AD) observed that our lives are divided between relaxation and exertion. For example, there are times when we ...3 days ago
- Shrinking wings, bigger beaks: birds are reshaping themselves in a warming world
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Sara Ryding, Postdoctoral research fellow, Deakin University The Common Bronzewing is one of the birds that has increased beak size in response to climate change Ryan Barnaby. For wildlife, climate change is a bit like the “final boss” the protagonist faces in ...3 days ago
- You’ve just got your Year 12 results. What do you do now?
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Kellie Tobin, Lecturer in Education – Applied Learning, Deakin University Cottonbro Studio/Pexels, CC BY The wait is finally over. Year 12 students around Australia are receiving their Year 12 results. Victorian and Queensland students got their ATARs last week, with other ...3 days ago
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