Satire
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ImperatorFish: A statement from Shane Jones
Written By: - Date published: 11:48 am, March 14th, 2014 - 14 comments
[probably satire] This statement has been reposted from ImperatorFish and is believed to be a work of satire by Scott Yorke (who generously allows us to reproduce his posts). However with Shane Jones, one can never be too sure what is truth and what is fantasy. Shane Jones or a reasonable facsimile thereof takes on why he isn’t going to attack the terrible Green party again (to the nearly universal chorus of “dickhead”).
ImperatorFish: John Key explains to the media
Written By: - Date published: 8:41 am, March 12th, 2014 - 4 comments
[satire] Let me explain. There has been no breach of Cabinet rules. This has been confirmed by the Cabinet Office. Not the real Cabinet Office, but the one that exists in the deepest recesses of my imagination. That particular Cabinet Office always gives me the advice I want to hear, and the one thing I’ve learned from all my years in this place is to always listen to the voices in my head.
Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.
Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 11th, 2014 - 4 comments
[satire] It’s early morning at a greasy spoon cafe set in a back street off K Road. Rene (Cameron Slater) is scrubbing the grease off the table where he and John Key sat last night. His wife Edith (Judith Collins) is trying to get a fresh milk stain off her jacket.
Taxpayers Union attacks Prince George
Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 5th, 2014 - 15 comments
[satire] The Taxpayers Union has hit out at Prince George for wasting taxpayers money by accompanying his parents, The Prince and Princess of Cambridge on their Royal Visit to New Zealand. Jordan Williams lashed out at the Prince saying “We expect that he will cost the New Zealand tax payer approximately $550 in nappies, baby food and sundry expenses while he is here; although since he is an infant, we understand he will not have to pay airfares. Even so, we are astounded at this blatant misuse of taxpayers money ”.
Craig launches defamation case against Key
Written By: - Date published: 11:49 am, March 5th, 2014 - 18 comments
[Satire] In a surprise move Colin Craig has threatened John Key with defamation proceedings for saying that he is weak and thin skinned, and may believe Elvis is alive and the moon landing was faked.
BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Allies win World War Two
Written By: - Date published: 8:59 am, February 27th, 2014 - 12 comments
Breaking: These Germans will be defeated. In an EXCLUSIVE report, Imperator Fish can now confirm that the Allies won World War Two. Hitler will be DEFEATED !!!!
Rock star – “No depression”
Written By: - Date published: 11:46 am, February 21st, 2014 - 104 comments
Popular songs can capture the heartbeat of communities. “Rock Star” economy”? Or “No Depression in New Zealand”? A song that links the NZ of Muldoon & John Key. “History Never Repeats”? Who has pulled up the ladder & who wants to replace ladders with something more accessible to all?
Cameron Slater gets starring role in TVNZ drama
Written By: - Date published: 2:21 pm, February 18th, 2014 - 23 comments
Susan Nact reporting. In a dramatic turn of events, cadet reporter Tracy Whatshite (drinking in a Ponsonby cafe), found an envelope labelled “Top Secret, Property of TVNZ”. We can reveal that inside was a script for a new television series that will be screening on Channel Two later this year. The new drama, has a […]
Is John Key a shape shifting reptilian?
Written By: - Date published: 3:03 pm, February 12th, 2014 - 55 comments
Recent allegations have surfaced suggesting that John Key is a shape shifting reptilian and the Labour Party is doing a deal with Ymir, King of the Frost Giants regarding the electorate of Ginnungagap in an attempt to win the 2014 election. Is it just me or is politics getting really weird?
Key signals coalition with Labour
Written By: - Date published: 11:42 am, January 31st, 2014 - 9 comments
John Key revealed that he was not ruling out going into coalition with Labour after the next election. He is rather bored and this party may make life a bit less boring. Besides this way he can take credit for having made the Best Start.
Imperator Fish – The State of the Nation: an interview with David Cunliffe
Written By: - Date published: 10:31 pm, January 28th, 2014 - 8 comments
Scott gets an exclusive interview with David Cunliffe… and then goes Paddy Gower on his a#$e. Always good to be fair and balanced on the 2 sides of the House.
ImperatorFish: Unity!
Written By: - Date published: 11:59 am, January 12th, 2014 - 22 comments
In which ImperatorFish vows to turn over a new leaf and despite the outrageous and completely unfair barbs aimed in his direction. He will NOT respond to the wrong thinking arseholes! Afterall this is election year.
It is nice that he has included the “pond slime over at The Standard” in this vow.
Enter the Zombie Apocalypse
Written By: - Date published: 5:12 pm, January 5th, 2014 - 22 comments
Ah, heard this on weekend radio on radio NZ this afternoon. Perfect satire for the last US election. Beware the zombie apocalypse.
Hopefully our comedians and cartoonists will be equally inventive
Right Thinking: just another lawbreaking socialist villain
Written By: - Date published: 2:07 pm, December 30th, 2013 - 8 comments
Normally we’d put “ImperatorFish: ” because, well, the post come from that site and from the fertile satirical mind of Scott Yorke. But in this case it is clear that someone else must have written the post. They couldn’t get the sequence of events right and they admitted to an act that a lawyer (such a fine upstanding and moral part of community) would never admit to. Has Scott has been hacked? And why does it sound like actual Cameron Slater writing on one of his better days.
Wet Dick and the Perverts
Written By: - Date published: 10:37 am, December 27th, 2013 - 136 comments
It should be the name of a group from a bizarro version of the 1960’s. But no, it is what passes for the governance of the Auckland City Council these days. There is our mayor with his wet dick. Then we have the five perverts who are busy emoting faux outrage whilst quietly forgetting that we elected them to help run a city. Dick Quax, Cameron Brewer, and the handful of other perverts in council can play with that aspect of their lives on their own time.
John Key: The invisible man
Written By: - Date published: 7:52 am, December 12th, 2013 - 47 comments
Fresh from his comedy career on Letterman, his rolling over puppy imitation for Warner Brothers, and other such high profile appearances. John Key has now taken to reprising the role of “The Man with No Name”. Milly the kitten is better known..
ImperatorFish – John Key: I believe the children are our future
Written By: - Date published: 1:27 pm, December 10th, 2013 - 7 comments
Scott gives us John Key’s full response to the Child Poverty Report.
Breaking News: Aratere to be used in the event of a major oil spill
Written By: - Date published: 2:59 pm, December 3rd, 2013 - 38 comments
As Greenpeace make a bid in the High Court to challenge the EPA’s decision to grant Anadarko permission to deep sea drill, we can reveal the content of secret documents detailing the contingency plan in the event of a major oil spill. The documents outline how the stricken inter island ferry Aratere will be deployed in the cleanup effort, should a catastrophic event occur.
Key and English – best of friends.
Written By: - Date published: 3:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 34 comments
In a surprising development, John Key has taken to bringing “a friend” with him to serious media interviews. Key was accompanied by Bill English. Key justified the new approach stating that their unique “chemistry was obvious to all in parliament” and he wanted the public to know, just how well they got on. When questioned whether this was relevant and important in the lives of ordinary Kiwis he said “…frankly its one of the key platforms we will be contesting the 2014 election on”.
ImperatorFish: But what about my rights?
Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, November 25th, 2013 - 26 comments
Scott laments the hard life of the rich white man.
Press Release: Bob Jones offers help to police
Written By: - Date published: 3:51 pm, November 23rd, 2013 - 6 comments
Police have called on Bob’s expertise to establish if the crime actually happened. We now all know thanks to Bob’s expertise, that women don’t get raped unless they are attractive, dress sexy and go out beyond their front gate at night. Besides women can’t drive like a guy or have fun like a guy. Bob knows just how women think – at least better than the police?
ImperatorFish: JT and Willie in shock Radio NZ deal
Written By: - Date published: 4:25 pm, November 13th, 2013 - 16 comments
ImperatorFish follows the future direction of the hapless duo JT and Willie… Replacing Jim Mora? OMG….
ImperatorFish: UFB Project: Terms of Tender
Written By: - Date published: 6:34 pm, November 7th, 2013 - 9 comments
Scott has found the tender document for UFB rollout.
ImperatorFish: Please, please, stop your raping
Written By: - Date published: 10:00 am, November 5th, 2013 - 36 comments
Scott brings us a message from the NZ Police.
ImperatorFish: Revolution!
Written By: - Date published: 9:17 pm, November 4th, 2013 - 10 comments
Scott thinks we should all join the nz taxpayers’ union. Comrades, he hasn’t seen such a fabulous undemocratic union since the Soviet one, so what could go wrong?
ImperatorFish: A prayer to the One
Written By: - Date published: 2:21 pm, October 10th, 2013 - 3 comments
Scott prays to the eternally independent Reserve Bank Governor.
Our boat is faster than theirs
Written By: - Date published: 2:32 pm, October 3rd, 2013 - 27 comments
In the wake of the astounding victory of the NZ team in San Diego, Scott at Imperator Fish offers these words of sage advice to those on the left looking at recent polling. For those of you convinced by the current winning trend, some of us hope that you will take his advice (so the rest of us can carry on with the work that needs to be done).
ImperatorFish: A letter from a Kiwi terrorist
Written By: - Date published: 4:37 pm, August 1st, 2013 - Comments Off on ImperatorFish: A letter from a Kiwi terrorist
Scott has a letter from one of them thar Nu Zild terrists.
ImperatorFish: Patrick Gower put on notice by colleagues
Written By: - Date published: 2:51 pm, June 30th, 2013 - 25 comments
Gower told 3 News last night that he was not concerned about questions surrounding his leadership, or the failure of 3 News to move ahead of One News in the ratings. “Look, I’m confident I’ll still be here for the 2014 election,” Gower said. “Nobody in the team has said anything to me about any trouble.”
ImperatorFish: An apology from the Law Society to John Key
Written By: - Date published: 1:30 pm, June 27th, 2013 - 20 comments
Dear Prime Minister, It appears that we may have made a terrible mistake. We made a detailed submission outlining our concerns about your government’s plans to increase the powers of the GCSB. But it looks like we were wrong. You have told Parliament and the media that you disagree with us. You haven’t said why, but we now accept that you know better than us. What use is all our combined wisdom when arrayed against your everyman common-sense?
We’re leaving & we’re taking the dams
Written By: - Date published: 8:57 am, May 7th, 2013 - 18 comments
Following the Labour and Greens’ rejection of their demand that the parties drop their NZ Power policy to lower power prices, the business elite has announced capital flight. ‘If Origin Energy loses its rentier profits, who’s next? said Phil O’Reilly, close to tears, ‘The banks? The Telecoms duopoly? The petrol companies?* The construction materials oligopoly? The ports and airports?
- The NZ government’s plan to withhold COVID inquiry findings until 2026 leaves the country ill-prep...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Shaun Hendy, Professor of Physics, Te Herenga Waka — Victoria University of Wellington Getty Images The first report from a Royal Commission of Inquiry to review New Zealand’s response to the COVID pandemic was due to be released this month. ...4 days ago - 6 things to do if your child’s weight is beyond the ideal range – and 1 thing to avoid
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Nick Fuller, Clinical Trials Director, Department of Endocrinology, RPA Hospital, University of Sydney JPC-PROD/Shutterstock One of the more significant challenges we face as parents is making sure our kids are growing at a healthy rate. To manage this, we take them ...4 days ago
- ‘Catastrophic declines’: massive data haul reveals why so many plants and animals suffer after f...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Don Driscoll, Professor in Terrestrial Ecology, Deakin University The megafires that tore through Australia’s forests in 2019–20 burnt more than ten million hectares. The tragedy prompted a massive research effort to understand how plants and animals were affected. So what did ...4 days ago
- First off, have a plan – 5 ways young people can stay safe at schoolies
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Alison Hutton, Professor of Nursing, Western Sydney University Year 12 exams are finishing around Australia and celebrations are beginning. Thousands of students will mark the end of high school in coming weeks with “schoolies”. This is an important rite of passage ...4 days ago
- Australia has backed away from plans to introduce local quotas on streaming platforms – again
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Alexa Scarlata, Research Fellow, Media & Communication, RMIT University The federal government has quietly shelved plans to introduce local requirements for Australian screen content on streaming platforms like Netflix and Disney+. In October, Federal Arts Minister Tony Burke flagged quotas were being ...4 days ago
- Help Me Hera: Why do I only befriend people nobody else can stand?
How do I end this cycle of misery, once and for all? Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz Dear Hera How do I break a lifelong pattern of forming close friendships with people that nobody else can stand? Ever since I was about 12, I have had a succession of very ...4 days ago - One NZ learns the hard way, don’t rely on Elon Musk
The Commerce Commission files criminal charges against the telco for over-promising, after SpaceX failed to deliver its much-vaunted direct-to-cell satellite service on schedule The post One NZ learns the hard way, don’t rely on Elon Musk appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago - First the Ferraris, then the mansion – tech leader takes record property hit
Multi-million dollar houses in exclusive private estates have been the biggest winners, and the biggest losers, in the three-year property downturn The post First the Ferraris, then the mansion – tech leader takes record property hit appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago
- Live: Hīkoi heads to Rotorua as Treaty Principles Bill gets first reading
The hīkoi will leave from Huntly this morning and hold a gathering in Hamilton. ...4 days ago - On the frontlines of Hīkoi mō te Tiriti
Thousands converged on Auckland, the day before the first reading of the controversial Treaty Principles Bill, writes Stewart Sowman-Lund for The Bulletin. To receive The Bulletin in full each weekday, sign up here. ...4 days ago
- Retracing the footsteps of past Māori protest movements
As the nationwide hīkoi for Te Tiriti made its way through Auckland it stopped at two sites synonymous with Māori resistance - Bastion Point and Ihumātao. ...4 days ago
- Treaty Principles Bill: Bill of Rights Act advice ‘quite damning’ – academic
The government's lawyers have advised the Treaty Principles Bill is consistent with the Bill of Rights Act - but only because they expect courts would not allow it to override that law or the Treaty itself. ...4 days ago
- Number of speed safety cameras slashed but cost per camera doubles
The government told RNZ the 800-camera network had been unfunded. ...4 days ago
- Health officials warned government more money needed to meet targets
Released documents show health officials made clear their belief the targets couldn't be reached without more funding. ...4 days ago
- D-Day for government’s Treaty Principles Bill
The legislation is up for its first reading after Question Time this afternoon. ...4 days ago
- You’re gonna miss the post office when it’s gone
Despite it dwindling locations and reduced service, NZ Post remains a pillar in every community, writes Hera Lindsay Bird. Every Saturday morning I arrive at 7.30am, and enter the post office box lobby. Behind the narrow corridor of identical red letterboxes, there is a locked room, full of ancient Christmas ...4 days ago
- ‘Whaka round, find out’: When the hīkoi came to Auckland
The Toitū te Tiriti hīkoi reached Auckland on Wednesday, seeing thousands cross the Harbour Bridge and walk around the coast to Bastion Point. Lyric Waiwiri-Smith joined them. Atop Bastion Point, a crowd of red, black and white gathered at the end of what we’ve been told is a history-making moment. ...4 days ago
- When women hit the grass ceiling of coaching
There’s a subject Alice Soper wants to stop writing about.It’s the sidelining of women when it comes to rugby coaching.But she can’t, as long as the problem still exists.“So often we get caught up in the good news,” she says.“There’s like a toxic positivity that’s attached to a lot of ...4 days ago
- Newsroom daily quiz, Thursday 14 November
Loading…(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){var ql=document.querySelectorAll('A,DIV,A[data-quiz],DIV[data-quiz]'); if(ql){if(ql.length){for(var k=0;k<ql.length;k++){ql[k].id='quiz-embed-'+k;ql[k].href="javascript:var i=document.getElementById('quiz-embed-"+k+"');try{qz.startQuiz(i)}catch(e){i.start=1;i.style.cursor='wait';i.style.opacity='0.5'};void(0);"}}};i['QP']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)})(window,document,'script','https://take.quiz-maker.com/3012/CDN/quiz-embed-v1.js','qp');Got a good quiz question? Send Newsroom your questions.The post Newsroom daily quiz, Thursday 14 November appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago
- Labour needs to learn the art of the deal
Opinion: Unless the Democrats and Labour trim their policy sails accordingly, they will lose elections that matter The post Labour needs to learn the art of the deal appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago
- Trump II and the coming ‘golden age’ of tyranny in the Middle East
In his rambling victory speech on November 5, Donald Trump, having stoked the fears of Americans throughout his campaign, and sporting extra fake tan for the occasion, spoke of a new ‘golden age’.In terms of Middle East foreign policy, with whom will Trump look to build this ‘golden age’?In May ...4 days ago
- Book of the Week: Day of the lizard
When I first spotted the new illustrated book Geckos & Skinks: The remarkable lizards of Aotearoa in the window of a Wellington bookstore in October (I was visiting with my wife Fi who was going to WOW with her cousins and niece. I wasn’t. I went once in 2002 and ...4 days ago
- Daily crossword, Thursday 14 November
The post Daily crossword, Thursday 14 November appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago
- Survivors say torture widespread, Govt says that’s unlikely
Survivors and lawyers are calling on the Govt to release legal advice that says other abuse at psychiatric institutions doesn’t meet the definition of torture The post Survivors say torture widespread, Govt says that’s unlikely appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago
- An often-toxic artificial lake receives a collective shrug
A man-made lake north of Christchurch is a ‘filthy drain’ but few seem interested in fixing it The post An often-toxic artificial lake receives a collective shrug appeared first on Newsroom. ...4 days ago
- Trump appealed to left-behind people in left-behind places
Opinion: Many commentators are trying to make sense of the re-election of Donald Trump and as a geography teacher, I always think geography is a valuable discipline to make sense of momentous and world-changing events.Let’s start with some simple stories, ones that I have heard in the last few days. ...4 days ago
- Global carbon budget will be used up in six years
The annual carbon budget report from the Global Carbon Project dropped on Wednesday morning, reminding diplomats at the COP29 climate summit in Baku exactly what they were there for.Contrary to some hopes that carbon dioxide emissions have now peaked, the report estimates 2024 will set a new record for fossil ...4 days ago
- West Papuan leader makes ‘raise our banned flag’ plea over new threat
Asia Pacific Report An exiled West Papuan leader has called on supporters globally to show their support by raising the Morning Star flag — banned by Indonesia — on December 1. “Whether in your house, your workplace, the beach, the mountains or anywhere else, please raise our flag and send ...4 days ago
- Government to impose ‘duty of care’ on digital platforms: Communiations Minister Rowland
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Michelle Grattan, Professorial Fellow, University of Canberra The Albanese government will develop and legislate a “Digital Duty of Care” to place the onus on platforms to keep people safe and better prevent online harms, Communications Minister Michelle Rowland has announced. In a ...4 days ago
- Senior NZ lawyers call for Treaty Principles Bill to be abandoned
By Lillian Hanly, RNZ political reporter Members of the King’s Counsel, some of New Zealand’s most senior legal minds, say the controversial Treaty Principles Bill “seeks to rewrite the Treaty itself” and are calling on the prime minister and the coalition government to “act responsibly now and abandon” it. More ...4 days ago
- COP29: Does NZ have the credibility to lead carbon trading talks?
By Eloise Gibson, RNZ climate change correspondent New Zealand’s Climate Change Minister Simon Watts is going to the global climate summit in Baku, Azerbaijan next week, where he will be co-leading talks on international carbon trading. But the government has been unable to commit to using the trading mechanism he ...4 days ago
- Abuse survivors petition Parliament to accept all Royal Commission recommendations
The day after the government apologised to abuse survivors, some presented a petition calling on it to implement all recommendations from the Royal Commission's report. ...4 days ago
- Jim Chalmers has provided an extra $900 million to boost productivity. But this ‘high priority’ ...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Roy Green, Emeritus Professor of Innovation, University of Technology Sydney Productivity is the greatest structural problem in our economy, according to Treasurer Jim Chalmers. He says there is “no higher priority for reform”. Announcing a A$900 million productivity fund to be shared ...4 days ago
- Shortsightedness is on the rise in children. There’s more we can do than limit screen time
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Flora Hui, Honorary Fellow, Department of Optometry and Vision Sciences, Melbourne School of Health Sciences, The University of Melbourne Asada Nami/Shutterstock Myopia in children is on the rise. The condition – also known as shortsightedness – already affects up to 35% ...4 days ago
- The House: This week in Parliament
The House - All eyes are on the government as it issues an official Crown apology and navigates the first reading of the Treaty Principles Bill, but what else is going on at Parliament this week? ...4 days ago
- ASB defends profit, warns of ‘big tech’ takeover of banking
ASB chairperson Dame Therese Walsh has told a parliamentary committee its $1.4 billion profit last year was not excessive. ...4 days ago
- Hīkoi protest: Thousands march through key Auckland sites on day three
Thousands of supporters crossed the Auckland Harbour Bridge on Wednesday, causing it to rock and sway under their feet. ...4 days ago
- Free Speech Union Endorses Carter’s Copyright (Parody And Satire) Amendment Bill, But It Raises Qu...
We commend the Green Party’s Bill to protect the speech rights of creators, artists, and commentators who are regularly targets of censorship. We hope this represents the turning of a new leaf in their defence of all speech rights. ...4 days ago - Unlicensed online casinos face $5m fines in gambling crackdown
Online casino operators could be fined up to $5 million if they set up an unlicensed website under new rules being introduced. ...4 days ago
- Donald Trump fancies himself a skilled dealmaker, but Middle East peace might be beyond him
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Amin Saikal, Emeritus Professor of Middle Eastern and Central Asian Studies, Australian National University Donald Trump’s re-election as the US president last week comes at a time of extreme volatility in the Middle East. The president-elect has promised to end all wars. ...4 days ago
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