web analytics

Key bullish on Kiwi, bearish on pandas

Written By: - Date published: 1:01 pm, June 28th, 2010 - 27 comments
Categories: john key, Satire - Tags:

Itching to get back into the markets, and having solved all New Zealand’s economic and social woes in 18 short months, John Key has announced he is putting aside his Prime Ministierial duties to become the country’s head trader in exotic animals.

Speaking on Breakfast (seriously), Key said he was working for months on a major pandas for kiwis trade that he believed would have “huge” economic benefits for the country, singlehandedly closing the wage gap with Australia.

He admitted the Chinese were driving a tough bargain and other countries’ zoos pay a million dollars a year for them but Key was confident he could get a two pandas for two kiwis deal sown up with a few more months’ dedicated work.

“The Chinese might insist on something to sweeten the deal. But I happen to know they’re keen on snow leopards and I know a guy in Nepal who’s lookng to unload a pair in a hurry in return for a white rhino. Now I have a mate in the Congo who I reckon will part with his rhino for a flock of kea. All I have to do is get the kea to him and the rhino to Nepal then I’ll have to snow leopards and that’ll seal the deal with the Chinese. I’ll get Hal and Roger Hunt to do the transport and pay them off with a ride on the cycleway.”

“Arbitrage, you know? It’s all about working the angles in this game” said the former PM.

Asked by Paul Henry “Is this another one of your get rich quick schemes? I get how pandas might help the zoo but exactly how do they benefit the economy? If they increase zoo ticket sales doesn’t that just take spending out of some other part of the the economy? Or are you seriously suggesting people will fly all the way to New Zealand to see pandas? And if the economic impacts of pandas are so huge and the Chinese will trade two of them for two kiwis then the economic benefits of kiwis must be huge too, right, so how do we end up better off? And is this nonsense really something a Prime Minister should be concerning themselves with or is this just more rodeo clown antics while your ministers sell everything they can’t cut?”, Key successfully distracted the veteran journalist by drawing a doodle of the two of them holding hands while standing in a meadow under a rainbow.

The doodle is now for sell on Trade Me. All proceeds to the McCully-Groser Whisky Foundation.

27 comments on “Key bullish on Kiwi, bearish on pandas ”

  1. Draco T Bastard 1

    Hal and Roger Hunt

    Well, that’s what he said but he’s probably more likely thinking of HAL 9000 😈

  2. vto 2

    ha ha how silly. What is not silly however, is changing the law to allow people to keep kiwis and wekas and most all native animals as pests. That way the extinction risk gets significantly lowered..

    Why is this not the case me wonders??

  3. BLiP 3

    Why is this filed under “satire”?

    • Bright Red 3.1

      I think because in this version Paul Henry bursts Key’s bubble. Whereas in real life he heartily endorsed it – claiming that pandas bring in hundreds of millions.

      Honestly, do these people listen to themselves?

      • BLiP 3.1.1

        Heh! Good point. Hadn’t thought the actual truth might be even more unbelievable.

  4. kriswgtn 4

    Space cadet

  5. rich 5

    I reckon if we had pandas they’d escape from the zoo and go feral. Before you know it there’ll be thousands of the buffers roaming Auckland eating bamboo and small cats. DOC will be forced to airdrop panda sized 1080 chunks on Grey Lynn to keep them down.

    • vto 5.1

      lol, very rich rich.

      Send them south and it’ll give us something else to hunt in them thar hills…. best idea in years.

  6. RascallyRabbit 6

    Title should’ve really been ‘Key bullish on Kiwi – Bearish on Panda value’ ?! haha

    Paul Henry must be going to China with Key less he feel uncomfortable without his head up Key’s ass for a couple of weeks.

  7. tsmithfield 7

    The best way to save endangered species is to breed them for commercial gain. After all, how short are we of cows, sheep, and pigs?

    Kiwi eggs for breakfast anyone? How about a bit of Panda steak?

    • Bright Red 7.1

      the result would be they would go extinct in the wild due to poaching. The purpose of zoos is to maintain populations when the wild ones are endangered.

      • tsmithfield 7.1.1

        I don’t know.

        Obviously, I was being a bit tongue and cheek with the comment above. However, not entirely.
        For example, gross as it may seem, tigers are bred for body parts in China to satisfy their irrational thirst for traditional medicine.

        http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/13/world/asia/13tiger.html

        Perhaps, though, this may undercut the poachers who are wiping out wild tigers.

    • kaplan 7.2

      The problem there is that when an animal is bred for domestic or agricultural purposes it is no longer the same animal it started as. Modern dairy cows, sheep and especially chickens are nothing like the original animals natural evolution produced as they have been selectively bred to enhance desirable traits and suppress undesirable ones.
      For instance ‘broiler’ chickens are bred to grow to slaughter size so quickly that if they are left to live past 12 weeks or so they end up growing too heavy to be supported by there own frame effectively crippling themselves. A ‘normal’ chicken should live for over six years.

      • Lanthanide 7.2.1

        Similarly, turkeys in the US are so mutated from their original form that factory farmed versions cannot reproduce without artificial means, and similar to the chickens mentioned put on weight so fast that they can’t move/walk and die young from heart problems.

        Many breeds of heirloom turkeys were on the verge of extinction just 10 years ago, but thanks to the internet a group of farmers managed to form a network and share turkey specimens from different breeds with each other, enlarging the gene pool and starting a niche market for their ‘traditional’ turkeys. Many people say the heirloom turkeys are more flavoursome (also much smaller) than the factory farmed ones and more like the turkeys they remember from when they were children.

        • tsmithfield 7.2.1.1

          Agree with you both entirely. I don’t think farming is an ideal solution.

          However, in the example of the Chinese farming tigers for body parts, the effect may be to take the pressure off the wild tigers so they can survive in the wild and thus preserve the natural genetics.

          The other point with endangered species is that the genetic pool is by definition very small, so there are more likely to be changes due to genetic effects anyway.

          • felix 7.2.1.1.1

            Yes, and Kiwis are endangered due to poaching so your point is valid.

            Except they aren’t so it’s not.

  8. infused 8

    I want a snow leopard.

  9. eye saw 9

    We have sno leopards for sale.

  10. tomfarmer 10

    There was this photo one time and I asked.. i said.. panda.. human panda..? those eyes being so dark and that furrow so intense.. and the guy said moore, michael..

    you’ll forgive me i’ve always kinda thought of MM as the panda polly.. point being are you guys sure the PM is yakking about the bamboo scoffers..? he aint surreptitiously alluding to the “I’m an international” and “that’s aka globalist” wouldbe and always wannid-to-be fellow in W’ton..

    not that a lot of value is attached.. going off the latest trade news outta the US.. one-on-one bilats.. boo the gang-o-9..? hey MM sure has gotten a number there..!!

  11. Bored 11

    No ones commented on the fabulous photo. The Jonkey Memorial Cycleway will be a place where one can ride alongside endangered Pandas, and buy them bamboo shoot snacks at wayside pit heads, all grown in the revegetated mine tailings in our National TM Ltd Parks.

  12. Rharn 12

    There’s a few ‘turkeys’ lurking around that zoo in wellington they call parliment. Maybe they could do a trade for some soldiers from the ‘stone’ army. It would at least raise the behavour standard of of this government and their cohorts.

  13. eye saw 13

    In parliament this afternoon.Panda Minder John Key announced the price increase for bamboo tax.
    PM key said that the ETS(extra tonne of shit)that pandas were excreting was directly responsible for rising methane gas levels and in light of the impact on the environment the tax on bamboo will rise 5% on 1 july 2010.
    To offset costs extra bamboo will be planted under the deforestation scheme being developed in Dr Smiths office.
    Planting bamboo would allow the PM to import more pandas from China.
    Key initially thought importing pandas from britain would be cheaper but it was pointed out that these were police cars and we already had enough british police without their cars as well.
    In further news a park would be built at the end of the cycleway to house the extra pandas.
    Key said the park at the end of the cycleway would be finished to coincide with the opening of the cycleway.He couldn,t put a date on this but he was relaxed about it being finished in time for the opening which would occur on completion.
    A smiling Mr Key then left after waving to some people on a distant hill who didn’t appear to know who was waving but when told later by breathless reporters were all agush and said it showed that the Panda Minder had ordinary kiwis in mind.

Links to post

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • NZ announces a third P-3 deployment in support of UN sanctions
    The Government has deployed a Royal New Zealand Air Force P-3K2 Orion (P-3) maritime patrol aircraft to support the implementation of United Nations Security Council (UNSC) resolutions imposing sanctions against North Korea, announced Minister of Foreign Affairs Winston Peters and Minister of Defence Ron Mark. “New Zealand has long supported ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Pacific trade and development agreement a reality
    Pacific regional trade and development agreement PACER Plus will enter into force in 60 days now that the required eight countries have ratified it. Trade and Export Growth Minister David Parker welcomed the announcement that the Cook Islands is the eighth nation to ratify this landmark agreement. “The agreement represents ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Securing a pipeline of teachers
    The Government is changing its approach to teacher recruitment as COVID-19 travel restrictions continue, by boosting a range of initiatives to get more Kiwis into teaching. “When we came into Government, we were faced with a teacher supply crisis,” Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “Over the past three years, we ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Border exceptions for a small number of international students with visas
    The Government has established a new category that will allow 250 international PhD and postgraduate students to enter New Zealand and continue their studies, in the latest set of border exceptions. “The health, safety and wellbeing of people in New Zealand remains the Government’s top priority. Tight border restrictions remain ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • First COVID-19 vaccine purchase agreement signed
    The Government has signed an agreement to purchase 1.5 million COVID-19 vaccines – enough for 750,000 people – from Pfizer and BioNTech, subject to the vaccine successfully completing all clinical trials and passing regulatory approvals in New Zealand, say Research, Science and Innovation Minister Megan Woods and Health Minister Chris Hipkins. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • International statement – End-to-end encryption and public safety
    We, the undersigned, support strong encryption, which plays a crucial role in protecting personal data, privacy, intellectual property, trade secrets and cyber security.  It also serves a vital purpose in repressive states to protect journalists, human rights defenders and other vulnerable people, as stated in the 2017 resolution of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Ministry of Defence Biodefence Assessment released
    The Ministry of Defence has today released a Defence Assessment examining Defence’s role across the spectrum of biological hazards and threats facing New Zealand. Biodefence: Preparing for a New Era of Biological Hazards and Threats looks at how the NZDF supports other agencies’ biodefence activities, and considers the context of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Approaches to Economic Challenges: Confronting Planetary Emergencies: OECD 9 October 2020
    New Approaches to Economic Challenges: Confronting Planetary Emergencies: OECD 9 October 2020 Hon David Parker’s response following Thomas Piketty and Esther Duflo. Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, wherever in the world you might be. I first acknowledge the excellent thought provoking speeches of Thomas Piketty and Esther ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Kaipara Moana restoration takes next step
    A Memorandum of Understanding has been signed today at Waihāua Marae between the Crown, local iwi and councils to protect, restore and enhance the mauri of Kaipara Moana in Northland. Environment Minister David Parker signed the document on behalf of the Crown along with representatives from Ngā Maunga Whakahī, Ngāti ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New Zealand and Uruguay unite on reducing livestock production emissions
    Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor and Uruguayan Minister of Livestock, Agriculture and Fisheries Carlos María Uriarte have welcomed the launch of a three-year project that will underpin sustainable livestock production in Uruguay, Argentina, and Costa Rica.  The project called ‘Innovation for pasture management’ is led by Uruguay’s National Institute of Agricultural ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • 3100 jobs created through marae upgrades
    Hundreds of marae throughout the country will be upgraded through investments from the Provincial Growth Fund’s refocused post COVID-19 funding to create jobs and put money into the pockets of local tradespeople and businesses, Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones and Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta have announced. “A total ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Health volunteers recognised in annual awards
    Health Minister Chris Hipkins has announced 9 teams and 14 individuals are the recipients of this year’s Minister of Health Volunteer Awards.  “The health volunteer awards celebrate and recognise the thousands of dedicated health sector volunteers who give many hours of their time to help other New Zealanders,” Mr Hipkins ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Community COVID-19 Fund supports Pacific recovery
    The Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio says a total of 264 groups and individuals have successfully applied for the Pacific Aotearoa Community COVID-19 Recovery Fund, that will support Pacific communities drive their own COVID-19 recovery strategies, initiatives, and actions. “I am keen to see this Fund support Pacific ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Community benefits from Māori apprenticeships
    Up to 50 Māori apprentices in Wellington will receive paid training to build houses for their local communities, thanks to a $2.75 million investment from the Māori Trades and Training Fund, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “This funding will enable Ngāti Toa Rangatira Incorporated to provide its Ngā Kaimahi ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Training fund supports Māori jobseekers
    Rapidly growing sectors will benefit from a $990,000 Māori Trades and Training Fund investment which will see Wellington jobseekers supported into work, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “This funding will enable Sapphire Consultants Ltd. to help up to 45 Māori jobseekers into paid training initiatives over two years through ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Ruakura Inland Port development vital infrastructure for Waikato
    The Government is investing $40 million to develop an inland port at Ruakura which will become a freight super-hub and a future business, research and residential development for the Waikato, Urban Development and Transport Minister Phil Twyford, and Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta announced today. The funding has been has ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Appointments made to Defence Expert Review Group
    Defence Minister Ron Mark announced today the establishment of an Expert Review Group to review a number of aspects of the New Zealand Defence Force’s (NZDF) structure, information management and record-keeping processes.  The Expert Review Group’s work arises out of the first recommendation from the Report of the Government’s Inquiry ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • No active community cases of COVID-19
    There are no active community cases of COVID-19 remaining in the country after the last people from the recent outbreak have recovered from the virus, Health Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “This is a big milestone. New Zealanders have once again through their collective actions squashed the virus. The systems ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Clean energy upgrade for more public buildings
    More public buildings will be supported by the Government to upgrade to run on clean energy, the Minister for Climate Change James Shaw announced today. Minister Shaw announced that Lincoln and Auckland universities will receive support through the Clean-Powered Public Service Fund to replace fossil fuel boilers. Southern, Taranaki, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Schools back donations scheme for the second year
    More schools have opted in to the donations scheme for 2021, compared to 2020 when the scheme was introduced. “The families of more than 447,000 students will be better off next year, with 94% of eligible schools and kura opting into the scheme,” Education Minister Chris Hipkins said. “This is ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Ruapehu cycle trails gets PGF boost
    The spectacular Mountains to Sea cycle trail in Ruapehu District will receive $4.6 million in funding from the Provincial Growth Fund for two additional trails, Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones announced today. “This is an exciting development for the local community, and one that will provide significant economic opportunities ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Update to air border order strengthens crew requirements
    Additional measures coming into effect on Monday will boost our defence against COVID-19 entering New Zealand through the air border, Health Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “As part of our precautionary approach and strategy of constant review, we’re tightening the requirements around international aircrew,” Chris Hipkins said. The COVID-19 Public ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • A true picture of Māori business activity
    A better picture of the contribution Māori businesses make to the economy will be possible with changes to the way information is collected about companies and trading enterprises. Māori Development Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Small Business Minister Stuart Nash have announced a new option for Māori enterprises who are part ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • PGF funding for Taranaki projects
    The South Taranaki museum, a New Plymouth distillery and a Pasifika building firm will benefit from a Government investment totalling more than $1 million, Regional Economic Development Minister Shane Jones says. The $1.05m in grants and loans from the Provincial Growth Fund (PGF) will help the recipients expand and create ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Fijian Language Week 2020 inspires courage and strength during COVID-19 pandemic
    The Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio says the theme for the 2020 Fijian Language Week reflects the strong belief by Fijians that their language and culture inspires courage and strength that is strongly needed in times of emergencies, or through a significant challenge like the global COVID-19 pandemic ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Trades training builds on iwi aspirations
    An investment of $2.025 million from the Māori Trades and Training Fund will support Māori to learn new skills while making a positive difference for their communities, announced Employment Minister Willie Jackson today. “K3 Development Limited Partnership will receive $2,025,000 for its Takitimu Tuanui apprenticeship programme, which will support the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Conservation Minister plants two millionth tree in Raglan restoration
    A long-term conservation project led by the Whaingaroa Harbour Care group in the western Waikato reaches a significant milestone this week, with the planting of the two millionth tree by the Minister of Conservation Eugenie Sage. “Planting the two millionth tree crowns 25 years of commitment and partnership involving Whaingaroa ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago