Itching to get back into the markets, and having solved all New Zealand’s economic and social woes in 18 short months, John Key has announced he is putting aside his Prime Ministierial duties to become the country’s head trader in exotic animals.
Speaking on Breakfast (seriously), Key said he was working for months on a major pandas for kiwis trade that he believed would have “huge” economic benefits for the country, singlehandedly closing the wage gap with Australia.
He admitted the Chinese were driving a tough bargain and other countries’ zoos pay a million dollars a year for them but Key was confident he could get a two pandas for two kiwis deal sown up with a few more months’ dedicated work.
“The Chinese might insist on something to sweeten the deal. But I happen to know they’re keen on snow leopards and I know a guy in Nepal who’s lookng to unload a pair in a hurry in return for a white rhino. Now I have a mate in the Congo who I reckon will part with his rhino for a flock of kea. All I have to do is get the kea to him and the rhino to Nepal then I’ll have to snow leopards and that’ll seal the deal with the Chinese. I’ll get Hal and Roger Hunt to do the transport and pay them off with a ride on the cycleway.”
“Arbitrage, you know? It’s all about working the angles in this game” said the former PM.
Asked by Paul Henry “Is this another one of your get rich quick schemes? I get how pandas might help the zoo but exactly how do they benefit the economy? If they increase zoo ticket sales doesn’t that just take spending out of some other part of the the economy? Or are you seriously suggesting people will fly all the way to New Zealand to see pandas? And if the economic impacts of pandas are so huge and the Chinese will trade two of them for two kiwis then the economic benefits of kiwis must be huge too, right, so how do we end up better off? And is this nonsense really something a Prime Minister should be concerning themselves with or is this just more rodeo clown antics while your ministers sell everything they can’t cut?”, Key successfully distracted the veteran journalist by drawing a doodle of the two of them holding hands while standing in a meadow under a rainbow.
The doodle is now for sell on Trade Me. All proceeds to the McCully-Groser Whisky Foundation.