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What should John Key do in 2015?

Written By: - Date published: 9:57 am, January 18th, 2015 - 39 comments
Categories: john key, Judith Collins, national, national/act government, Politics, same old national - Tags: ,

James Griffin in the Herald has written an article on things that John Key should set out to achieve in 2015.  The article is obviously satire and a not too subtle put down of what is business as usual for the PM.  Griffin proposes that Key smiles a lot, goes to lots of Cricket and Rugby World cup games, sell more stuff, has his team work on spontaneous Andrew Little put down lines and play lots of golf with new members of the National Party.  Two of the suggestions are rather scathing.  The first is:

Work on new plausible deniability technique. Not remembering and claiming not to be in the room at the time is starting to arouse suspicion, so time for a change-up. Maybe try “it was none of my business so I wasn’t paying attention” gambit? Upside is that it is human and relatable; downside is that it could be argued that as Prime Minister just about everything that happens in Government is my business. Yes this is unfair because there is a lot of business in a Government and a lot of that business is boring and therefore doesn’t interest me, but it seems to be expected that I should know everything about everything all the time. Who am I? Superman? Sometimes this job sucks but I must man up and deal with that.

The second neatly sums up the vacuum in National’s approach to Government:

Come up with a whole heap of exciting and innovative policies that will make New Zealand a better place. Probably not important this soon after an election but if we can at least be perceived as talking about thinking about this sort of stuff then people seem to like that. This is good because then they’re not shouting at me.

The two semi serious suggestions are about what to do with Judith Collins and Cameron Slater.

In relation to Collins Griffin says “[t]he woman has more lives than a panther or similar large predatory cat. Need to find her a job that both satiates her need for power but also keeps her away from other humans – especially me. Minister for the Chatham Islands, maybe?”  Collins and the ferocity of her supporters must be giving Key all sorts of headaches.

The suggestion about Cameron Slater is to stay as far away from him as is humanely possible.  “This goes for all forms of communication, not just walking the other way if he looms up in front of me. Above all do not have your photo taken with this man, John, even though having your photo taken is your favourite thing. Possibly talk to SIS (or the SAS) about a more permanent solution to the whale-in-the-room problem?”  Good luck with that one John.

Of course there are many urgent and pressing things that Key needs to address but he seems more interested in getting his golfing handicap down.  Things like:

  1. Addressing child poverty,
  2. Making our ETS function again,
  3. Reduce inequality,
  4. Do something about our waterways,
  5. Make superannuation sustainable …


39 comments on “What should John Key do in 2015? ”

  1. – Fast-track City Rail Link
    – Cancel shonkey Sky City convention centre
    – Cancel shonkey Christchurch convention centre
    – Increase public housing stock and outlaw property speculation
    – Withdraw from TPPA
    – Repeal GCSB/SIS mass surveillance law
    – Admit role in Dirty Politics and come clean before the NZ public

    • Clemgeopin 1.1

      – Resign and head off to Hawaii.

      • dave 1.1.1

        jump off the the 9th floor of the beehive in one honest event the concrete.

        • Clemgeopin

          Sorry, that kind of remark is uncalled for. Hope you don’t mind me asking you to please resist making such cringe worthy rude remarks wishing death or suicide for anyone.

      • Murray Rawshark 1.1.2

        I don’t even mind if he gives himself a knighthood first.

  2. – Higher corporate taxes
    – Stop treating public assets like your personal portfolio

    Basically, Key should turn over a new leaf in 2015, stop thinking like a financial predator, and treat NZ like a nation of people whose lives matter. Not a business to be milked for his 1% mates.

  3. deWithiel 3

    – Address climate change on the basis of science, not spurious economic beliefs;
    – Cancel RoNS on the basis that they’re economically unviable and would have catastrophic environmental impacts;
    – Repeal the Resource Management Amendment Act 2009 and reinstate blanket tree protection measures in Auckland;
    – Resign and take the whole miserable National party down with you.

  4. Hey @mickysavage, you need to proof-read the title of this post… 😉

  5. Brendon Harre 5

    Cancel RoNS and reform Super city/regional/local government so that they get half the funding currently allocated to NZTA. This means half the fuel and road user charges incurred in a jurisdiction goes directly to that Regional/Super city Council

    In exchange for this increase in public resources Regional/Local authorities agree that they have a statutory target to ensure the housing market returns to long term affordability ratios. Regional/Local authorities achieve this target by opening up new areas for development by zoning changes and providing improved transport links -both road and public transport -extending Auckland’s passenger rail and the Northern Express busway etc.

    John Key assists this process by limiting immigration, reversing his governments change that allowed property development to be considered a legitimate ‘business’ for immigration approval, allowing publically accessible records of land ownership -including foreign ownership of land. Stopping non-residents/citizens from owning land.

    The Reserve Bank assists this process by ensuring interest rates stay low and stable so that Councils -infrastructure builders and private home builders can borrow to build at affordable levels.

    Gradually as New Zealand’s housing stock returns to affordable levels, household debt drops from its dangerously high ratio with respect to GDP. The economy re-orientates itself towards investing in the productive economy and New Zealand walks back from the brink.

    The social welfare problems of unaffordable housing -overcrowding and living in inappropriate conditions -damp and mouldy environments that breed disease such as rheumatic fever go from a widespread problem to isolated cases that the Social Welfare system can handle.

  6. A Voter 6

    John Key the new face of National Past Party
    Nothing new to see here move on Quickly

  7. Ad 7

    Your list would be great Mickey.

    He could just start by recognising that there are lots of poor people in New Zealand.

    He could also recognize the direct vulnerability of the dairy industry to water supply, and hence to the climate.

    baby steps

  8. A Voter 8

    Actually reading all the comments

    Just Fuck Off John might be the best he can do for his country not what his country can do for him
    Like Double his fortune
    Give him an international profile that the country cant afford
    Hours of TV coverage of him that is about as useful as advertising and as bloody expensive
    Give him presidential status but on the other hand he would be gone by 2016
    Allow him to distract the country from all the growing pests and diseases takin over our natural environment which need to dealt to
    And the fact that he can get away with as much as any other despot and
    under the protection of the Queen of England

  9. ..wave and say ‘ackshully!’ a lot..?

  10. shouldn’t the question be ‘what will john key do in 2015..?’

    ..and the answer being:..pretty much what he has done up until now..

    ..why is there any expectation of any different..?

    ..and one definite thing he will ‘do’..

    ..he will march us further into the hellhole-wars in the middle-east..

    ..as americas’ handmaiden/spear-carrier..

    ..and he will further increase surveillance on us all..

  11. Addressing child poverty,
    Making our ETS function again,
    Reduce inequality,
    Do something about our waterways,
    Make superannuation sustainable …

    Ah, I see. it’s a fantasy game with the premise “Suppose John Key wasn’t a cunt…” Perhaps I’m more unimaginative than most, but that premise is going to prove a major stumbling block.

    • gnomic 11.1

      About the c**t word; why is this such a popular term of abuse? Why are the female sexual parts so hated and subject to contempt? Just curious. Personally I am trying to avoid using the word in a derogatory context. Call me PC.

      For myself I might think of the Prime Spinister as a weaselly dickhead.

    • adam 11.2

      And Milt comes back with more, sexism. Why am I not surprised. Look loaf boy, slow down on whatever it is which is making you rorirori.

  12. millsy 12

    Accept that public ownership/provision is not evil, and that poor people having more money is good for the economy, not bad.

    • that is the one that really puzzles me about the economic-wizards on the right..

      ..their seeming inability to grasp the economics 101 fact that the best way to stimulate/grow an economy/society..(and to at the same time end poverty..)

      ..is to increase the incomes of the worst-off..

      ..for the simple fact that this money instantly churns back into the economy..

      ..into the tills of retailers/service-providers..

      ..so..if these rightwing-economists/politicians do grasp this econ 101 fact..

      ..it is clearly class-war/ideology that stills their hands..

      ..and these rightwing business-idiots seemingly also unable to see that people having more money..means more customers for whatever it is they flog..

      ..dumb as a fucken log…all of them..

  13. adam 13

    As I’m an eternal optimist I have only one thing I want from Key in 2015.

    No more rorirori from the PM – Six years of it is enough, thanks John. God Bless.

  14. Murray Rawshark 14

    This whole post is very defeatist. Have we accepted that we will never get decent representatives into government, and that we cannot fight in other ways, and settled for hoping that FJK turns into a social democratic statesman and does what we want? Weak as piss. All he should do is leave.

  15. Naki man 15

    Keep up the good work and make sure national win the next election.
    When its not broken there is no need to fix it.

    • dv 15.1

      Nats debt now


      • Clemgeopin 15.1.1

        Damn! Is that the so called ROCK STAR ECONOMY that Key and English boast about?
        More like they see stars in their defective eyes and have rocks in their big stupid heads! What suckers are the 48% people that voted for this crazy pro-rich, pro corporate RW lousy lying lot!

  16. Stuart Munro 16

    170 000 jobs to create
    $90 billion in debt to repay
    reform the SIS/GCSB to serve NZ once more
    stop crawling to fishing companies and actually enforce anti-slavery laws as international law has required for at least the last three decades
    sack Bill English & Hekia Parata in favour of anyone who is even marginally competent
    renationalise stolen assets including John’s Tranzrail nestegg
    reclaim Crafar farms and similar properties
    commission of enquiry into SCF – follow the money somewhere interesting
    distance yourself from corruption (Judith Collins & yourself)
    and infamy (Whaleoil & Martin Ede)

    don’t think he’s up to any of it really so the honourable alternative is:

    Get a service revolver & do the decent thing.

    • Colonial Rawshark 16.1

      You can’t repay that debt and create jobs at the same time.

      Repaying debt destroys money out of circulation out of the NZ economy which will destroy jobs.

      The only way you can create jobs is to spend into the economy – which will probably increase debt.

      • dv 16.1.1

        About 30? years ago Social credit had a proposal issue new money at no interest to build infrastructure, then withdraw the money from circulation as the infrastructure gave a return.
        One of the keys is no interest.

        And keep it all in nz. and away from overseas banker.

        • Colonial Rawshark

          Sounds about right. New money has to be put into general economic circulation at the same or greater rate than savers, hoarders and foreign corporate profits are removing it from the general economic circulation. Otherwise you will end up with de facto austerity.

          Investing new money into nationwide and localised infrastructure and skills which will take us successfully to a low carbon economy is absolutely crucial now. We do not have many years to get ready.

  17. Neil 17

    The best thing for Key to do cant be said in public, as you would get arrested for it.

  18. Tanz 18

    Accepting accountability would be a start, and to stop being a selfie celeb all the time.

  19. Lloyd 19

    Admit that the last six years has been a terrible mistake and that almost every New Zealander other than his closest cronies would now be better off economically, socially and physically if the gnats had remained in opposition and the country had instead been governed by a Labour/Green government. Then resign. Then give up all his ripped off money back to the poor of New Zealand. Then I wouldn’t be too upset if he lived to a ripe old age in a State house with only the old-age pension for income.

  20. This is what we can expect from a third term Key Government :
    1. Reduced public services
    2. Stealth cuts to WFF
    3. Wasted opportunity to build the Cullen Fund
    4. No action on the Housing Crisis
    5. More surveillance state and invasion of privacy
    6. No real job creation outside Christchurch
    7. No real gain in median incomes
    8. Selling of sovereignty for photo ops with foreign leaders
    9. No integrated plan to grow the economy as a whole (NZ Inc)
    10. Pointless asset sales so that Bill English can fudge the Budget
    11. Low tech economy still based on primary products
    12. Massive gaps in health system
    13. Slim ‘surplus’ achieved by screwing health and education
    14. Child poverty will continue to be ignored
    15. Mismanaged UF Broadband rollout
    16. New lows in ethical governance and accountability
    17. More coercive treatment of beneficiaries
    18. Failing to gather proper data on foreign ownership of housing, land, or the export value chain
    19. Supports crackpot ACT policies to cut tax to achieve growth
    20. Blind allegiance to a failed and iniquitous economic model

    Ordinary New Zealanders will be the losers.

  21. Dave 21

    John keys a banker they like jumping off the top of there I very towers

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