Cameron Slater gets starring role in TVNZ drama
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2:21 pm, February 18th, 2014 - 23 comments
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Susan Nact reporting.
In a dramatic turn of events, cadet reporter Tracy Whatshite (drinking in a Ponsonby cafe), found an envelope labelled “Top Secret, Property of TVNZ”.
We can reveal that inside was a script for a new television series that will be screening on Channel Two later this year. The new drama, has a working title of “’Allo, ‘allo, ‘allo, ‘allo” and is set in a greasy spoon cafe in a back street off Ponsonby Road. The series is based on the British tv series “Allo allo” from the 1980’s. The series has been cast and we can confirm Cameron Slater has the lead role of Rene, the sweaty cafe owner, whose body mass index is over 35.
We now give you a preview of the opening scene.
In the cafe Rene (Cameron Slater) is taping on a telegraph.
Dot, dot, dot. dash! Dash! Dash…………dot, dot, dot com…………….dash! dash! Dash!
His wife Edith (played by Judith Collins, wearing a Trelise Cooper jacket) enters from a back room .
Edith: “Rene, what are you doing, sitting there with that old morse code machine. The war is over. We no longer need to spy on the Germans”.
Rene: “You stupid woman. We now have new Germans to spy on. Germans who threaten our way of life, the National government, John Banks. Even John Key”.
Edith: “The German’s at the mansion! (moves closer to Rene and whispers discreetly) “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Don’t try too hard to bring Dot.com down. If he brings Key down, someone will need to replace him”. She exits quietly through the back door.
Just before lunchtime, the first customer of the day arrives. It is Rachel Glucina, gossip columnist for the NZ Herald, played by herself.
Rachel goes up to Rene takes him in her arms and kisses him passionately.
Rachel “Reeeeneeee, you drive me me wild with your body mass index way over thirty five and the smell of …..is that burnt coffee beans emantating from your orrifice……………….we must run away together. How about to National Party headquarters.”
Rene: “Rachel you know we can’t escape yet. We need more information. What do you have today Rachel”
Rachel: “A short black thanks”
Rene: “You stupid woman, I didn’t mean what would you like to drink! What do you have for me? What’s been happening at the mansion.”
Rachel: “ Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Mrs Dot.com leaves the Mansion everyday, goes to the gym, has a coffee with Sally and Jamie Ridge. They discuss lipsticks, handbags and this season’s fashion colours”.
Rene: “You stupid woman. I am not interested in Mrs Dot.com, unless she is sleeping with someone famous in politics. What I want to know is who is visiting the mansion?”
Rachel: “ Renneeeee you drive me wild when you talk to me like that…………….”
Rene: “ For god sake woman. Do you want us to get caught. Spill the shit and spill it now, I have other customers about to arrive”.
Rachel: “Listen very care……..
Rene: “ Yes, yes yes………….who has been visiting the Mansion?”
Rachel: “Norman twice, Peters three times. I will go now Rene. Now you have had your way with me, I feel all revitilized. Like a new woman. I can keep going writing those crappy little columns for that crappy little paper”. Rachel exits cafe.
Half an hour later Rene sits alone in the cafe. The door swings open. In walks the General Manager of Progressive Enterprises, Dave Chambers (played by Russell Crowe). He is wearing a tee-shirt with a dingo on it.
Renee: (looks up) “ What do you have today Dave?”
Dave: “What do you mean, what do I have?”
Renee: “Would you like a coffee?”
Dave: “ Look here you worthless piece of trash, I can stock Nescafe, Greggs and L’Affaire at half the price of this shit you serve here. I’ll have a trim flat white, but I’m only paying you $1.50 for it”.
Rene: “Quite right. But what have you found out from the Mansion?”
Dave: “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Those bastards are now distributing directly from the house”
Rene : “Oh my God! What on earth do you mean?”
Dave: “They have stopped their t.v. advertising with Mrs Chrisco and now they have an endless number of distributors coming to and from the mansion. Sneaking out Christmas hampers. Undercuttng our Christmas trade. And they are well organised. Russel Norman was there twice in November. The month before Christmas. Peters, he’s been there three times”.
Rene: “ You stupid man, Chriscos no longer own the mansion. Kim Dot. Com does.”
Dave: “Shit that’s worse. He could really undercut us. I have got to get back to base. We going have to keep running those crappy adds with the working class family to keep the general public on side”. (exits hurriedly).
Later on, a third customer arrives. The mystery customer enters wearing American army combat gear and chewing gum. He is played by an aged Sly Stallone.
Rene: “ What do you have today??”
Mystery man: “I need your code name first?”
Rene: “Whale Oil. How come its not the guy from Wellington anymore?”
Mystery man: “ Oh they are doing a re-structure down there. They’ve handed this one over to us. Its in the TPP”.
Rene:“So what do you have today?”
Mystery man: ”Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Norman twice. Peters three times”.
Rene:“ You stupid man. Even a gossip columnist could tell me that! We want Cunliffe. Surely Cunliffe was there?”
Mystery man: “Easy buddy. I can’t give you Cunliffe. He wasn’t there. Not at the Mansion. I think he’s been at Waitangi.”
Rene: “Coffee? Something from the top shelf?”
Mystery man “No I gotta cut loose now. I am off to spy on Grey Power. Who knows what they are up to now the asset petition is over.” (exits swiftly).
It is now near closing time and the fourth customer of the day comes in, John Key, played by himself.
JK: “Hi Cam, I mean Rene. Just thought I pop in for one of our weekly chats. What have you got?”
Rene: “ A latte, your ususal???”
JK: “You stupid man, I mean what dirt have you got?”
Rene: “Big stuff. Real big. Peters, Norman. It’s all going on”.
JK: “ What do you mean, they’re lovers, they’ve been having it off at parliament, in the Parliamentary Library??? Fantastic. That’s one to put in my top draw”.
Rene: “No, no, no. Better than that”
JK: “What with Cunliffe! I knew it. I knew the son of a preacher, happily married to a woman he met at university would have to have some scandal”.
Rene: “No not Cunliffe. Got nothing on him. Its better than that”
JK: “ What Peters with an Asian woman??? Not BC! Why that’s terrific. Great work.”
Rene: “No not that”.
JK: “What then?”
Rene: “Norman and Peters have visited the mansion. Five times between them”.
JK: “That’s it? That’s all you have?”
Rene: “Well if you bring it up, the MSM will be all over it like a rash and then you won’t have to answer questions in parliament on child poverty”.
JK: “Brilliant!”
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- Release: David Parker speech – Piketty, Inequality and Climate Change
David Parker's speech from the University of Auckland's forum on Piketty, Inequality and Climate Change in September 2024. ...3 days ago
- Release: Youth mental wellbeing no longer a priority for Child Poverty Minister
Louise Upston has revealed her diminished vision for vulnerable youth against a backdrop of snubbed advice, scrapped priorities, shifted goal posts and thousands more children projected to fall into poverty. ...3 days ago
- Release: National’s lack of climate action taking NZ backwards
National Government’s backward-looking climate policy has seen New Zealand fall seven places on the Climate Change Performance Index to 41 out of 63 countries measured. ...3 days ago
- Release: Simple reason for drop in emergency housing
When the Government says it has reduced the number of people in emergency housing, what it means is it is stopping people from accessing it in the first place. ...3 days ago
- Govt’s child wellbeing strategy ‘shallow and shameful’
The Government is turning its back on children by not only weakening child poverty reduction targets, but also removing child mental wellbeing as a priority focus in their Child and Youth Wellbeing Strategy. ...3 days ago
- Release: A historic win for Samoan communities
Labour warmly welcomes the Restoring Samoan Citizenship Bill as it passes its third reading, before becoming law. ...3 days ago
- Government plan to reinstate live animal exports a “national disgrace”
The Government has taken a giant step backwards by reinstating live animal exports. ...4 days ago
- Pasifika justice as Member’s Bill passes final reading
Teanau Tuiono’s Member’s Bill, the Citizenship (Western Samoa Restoration) Amendment Bill, has passed its third reading and will become law. ...4 days ago
- Release: Minister of Education thinks New Zealand ends at the Bombay Hills
The Minister of Education has shown complete disregard for rural communities and their school bus routes in Question Time today. ...4 days ago
- Economists sound alarm on Government’s slash-and-burn approach
A group of prominent economists has released an open letter to the Government, raising grave concerns about the far-reaching consequences of its fiscal policy. ...4 days ago
- Release: Smoking numbers up under Costello’s watch
National’s repeal of Labour’s smokefree legislation has taken New Zealand further away from achieving a Smokefree 2025 and a smokefree generation. ...4 days ago
- Release: Call for Palestine recognition by NZ, Australian and Canadian MPs
Parliamentarians from Australia, Canada and New Zealand have written an open letter to their respective Prime Ministers calling on them to recognise Palestine. ...4 days ago
- Justice Select Committee opens floor for Treaty Principles submissions
Today, the Justice Select Committee has decided to officially open submissions for the controversial Treaty Principles Bill. ...5 days ago
- Power of the people on full display as hīkoi approaches Parliament
Today, Hīkoi mō te Tiriti arrived in Wellington, with thousands gathering to march in unity against the divisive Treaty Principles Bill. ...5 days ago
- Hypocrisy as Te Whatu Ora contractor bill balloons
Te Whatu Ora’s bill for contracting and consulting staff has ballooned by nearly 20 percent under the National Government, breaking a promise they made during the election campaign to cut contractors. ...6 days ago
- Release: Growing pressure to scrap Section 7AA Repeal Bill
The newly released Section 7AA Repeal Bill's select committee report is further evidence that the Government should scrap it. ...7 days ago
- Government’s move to monetise access to nature a slippery slope
The Green Party is voicing serious concerns over the Government’s proposal to charge for access to public conservation land, released today. ...1 week ago
- Green Party condemns the passage of Treaty Principles Bill
The Green Party condemns the passing of the Treaty Principles Bill at first reading, and is clear that the fight is not over. ...1 week ago
- Stand Up for Te Tiriti
Te Tiriti o Waitangi is our country’s founding document. It forms the basis of the relationship between Māori and the Crown – and the Aotearoa New Zealand we live in today. ...1 week ago
- Release: Over 15,000 sign Labour’s open letter to Luxon
As the hīkoi to Parliament continues, Labour has sent an open letter to Prime Minister Christopher Luxon in a last-ditch attempt to get him to kill the Treaty Principles Bill. ...1 week ago
- Fast Track Bill threatens environment, climate and reputation
The fast-track legislation passing its second reading in Parliament is another step towards environmental ruin. ...2 weeks ago
- Greens join King’s Counsel in calling for Treaty Principles Bill to be abandoned
The Prime Minister must answer the call from a group of senior lawyers of the King’s Counsel to abandon the divisive Treaty Principles Bill. ...2 weeks ago
- Chris Hipkins’ apology statement to state and faith-based care survivors
...2 weeks ago
- Release: Labour formally apologises to state and faith-based care survivors
Labour joins with the Government in unreservedly apologising for the abuse, neglect and trauma including torture in state and faith-based care and for ignoring the voices of survivors for too long. ...2 weeks ago
- Green Party stands in support of survivors of abuse in care
Today, the Green Party stands alongside the survivors of abuse in state care and faith-based care as the Government issues an historic apology. ...2 weeks ago
- Green Party calls for conscience vote on Treaty Principles Bill
The Green Party has written to the Speaker of the House requesting he enable a personal vote on the Treaty Principles Bill. ...2 weeks ago
- Govt move to exclude journalist risks chilling effect
The Green Party is alarmed by the Government’s move to exclude a journalist from covering this week’s apology for the survivors of abuse in state and faith-based care. ...2 weeks ago
- Without action, an apology will be empty air
For tomorrow’s apology to survivors of abuse in state and faith-based care to hold any water, the Government must not pursue the same policies that drove the abuse in the first place. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Concerns remain over tobacco interference
Concerns about the tobacco industry’s ability to interfere in government policy making remain, despite the inability of the Office of the Auditor-General to investigate the Government’s decision to halve the excise tax on heated tobacco products. ...2 weeks ago
- Urgent wake-up call on climate
The Climate Change Commission’s latest advice indicates Aotearoa needs to be stepping up on climate action. ...2 weeks ago
- Green MP’s Meme-ber’s Bill set to save the world
Break out the punchlines and dust off your meme folder: Green Party MP Kahurangi Carter’s Copyright (Parody and Satire) Amendment Bill was pulled from the Ballot yesterday. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Poroporoaki: Ta Robert (Bom) Gillies
Kua hinga te manawa kairākau o Te Rua Tekau Ma Waru Tiwhatiwha te po! Kakarauru i te po! Ka rapuhia kei hea koe kua riro! Haere e te Ika a Whiro ki o tini hoa kua ngaro atu ki te Pō ...2 weeks ago
- Labour, Greens and Te Pāti Māori call on the Prime Minister to block the Treaty Principles Bill
The opposition parties stand united for an Aotearoa that honours Te Tiriti, rather than seeking to rewrite it. Labour, the Greens and Te Pāti Māori are working together against the Government’s divisive Treaty Principles Bill. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Labour, Greens and Te Pāti Māori call on the Prime Minister to block the Treaty Principle...
The opposition parties stand united for an Aotearoa that honours Te Tiriti, rather than seeking to rewrite it. Labour, the Greens and Te Pāti Māori are working together against the Government’s divisive Treaty Principles Bill. ...2 weeks ago
- NZ must pursue independent foreign policy
The Green Party says the need is greater than ever for Aotearoa New Zealand to pursue an independent foreign policy. ...2 weeks ago
- Child Protection Investigation Unit established
A new Child Protection Investigation Unit is being established to ensure the safety and wellbeing of children in care, Minister for Children Karen Chhour says. “The report released by the Royal Commission into abuse in state care shows us all the risk of not acting immediately when there are serious ...2 days ago - Speech at United States Business Summit 2024
Ka nui te mihi kia koutou. Ka mihi ki te mana whenua ko Ngāti Whātua Ōrākei. Kia ora and good morning everyone. Thank you Fran and Simon for inviting me here today, and importantly your leadership of this forum over several years now. I want to acknowledge David Gehrenbeck, Deputy ...2 days ago
- Record number of submissions received on granny flat proposal
Nearly 2,000 submissions have been received on the Government’s proposals aimed at making it easier to build a granny flat of up to 60 square metres without a resource or building consent, RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop and Building and Construction Minister Chris Penk say. “This is the highest number ...2 days ago
- District Court Judge appointed
Attorney-General Judith Collins today announced the appointment of Rebecca Guthrie as a District Court Judge. Judge Guthrie was admitted to the bar in 1997 following her graduation from the University of Canterbury in 1996 (LLB, BA). She commenced her legal career in Hastings in 1997 before moving to London in ...2 days ago
- Appointments strengthen Predator Free 2050
The latest Predator Free 2050 Board appointments will help to strengthen biodiversity efforts across Aotearoa New Zealand, Conservation Minister Tama Potaka says. Mr Potaka today announced two appointments to the Board of Directors of Predator Free 2050 Limited, a key player in the wider Predator Free 2050 Programme. “The Predator ...2 days ago
- New facility in Christchurch will improve the lives of young New Zealanders
Mental Health Minister Matt Doocey today opened Kahurangi, an innovative and much-needed facility for Canterbury’s Child, Adolescent, and Family Mental Health Services. “The new state of the art outpatient facility opened today will be a gamechanger for the way mental health is delivered for young people in Canterbury,” says Mr ...2 days ago
- Driver safety screens to be installed on Auckland buses
Transport Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed news from the NZ Transport Agency (NZTA) that bus driver protection screens will be installed across Auckland’s bus fleet by 2026.“The Government is committed to improving the safety of working environments for bus drivers, and Budget 2024 allocated $15 million of Crown funding over ...2 days ago
- Government action provides Southland farmers more time to meet plan requirements
The Government is taking action to ensure Southland farmers and growers are not affected by unreasonable regional farm plan deadlines, Agriculture Minister Todd McClay, Environment Minister Penny Simmonds and Associate Environment Minister Andrew Hoggard say.“Cabinet has agreed to provide more time for farmers and growers to comply with regional rules ...3 days ago
- Bill reaffirms Government’s commitment to crack down on serious youth offending
The Oranga Tamariki (Responding to Serious Youth Offending) Bill had its first reading at Parliament today. The Bill reaffirms the Government’s commitment to crack down on serious youth offending, Minister for Children Karen Chhour says. “In recent years we have seen an unacceptable spike in youth offending. “This Bill makes ...3 days ago
- Critical milestones for earthquake buildings review
Fairer, more sensible rules about managing earthquake risks are a step closer with the passing of legislation and the appointment of an independent chair to provide expert advice, Minister for Building and Construction Chris Penk says. “The Government is committed to reinvigorating our cities and regions to support economic growth, ...3 days ago
- State of the art radiology machine for Auckland
People in Northland and Auckland will benefit from a new machine for cancer treatment installed at the Regional Cancer and Blood Service at Auckland City Hospital. The MV5 linear accelerator, or LINAC machine, officially opened today targets cancer tumours with pinpoint accuracy. Health Minister Dr Shane Reti says this new, ...3 days ago
- Foreign Minister to visit Europe
Deputy Prime Minister and Foreign Minister Winston Peters will travel to Europe for high-level talks with France, Germany and the United Kingdom next week. "Since taking office almost a year ago, the Coalition Government has emphasised the importance we place on New Zealand's traditional and likeminded diplomatic and ...3 days ago
- First arrests made under gang patch ban
Police have made their first arrests under the new gang patch legislation, with two gang members arrested, says Police Minister Mark Mitchell. “Just before 11 this morning, Police in Wairoa apprehended a gang member for wearing a patch to the supermarket. He has been arrested and will now face enforcement ...3 days ago
- Better support for victims of sexual violence
The Government is proposing two major changes to name suppression laws that will put the views of victims of sexual violence first, Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith says. “We are committed to restoring law and order and these two proposed changes will help ensure the victims of crime are put at ...3 days ago
- Government moving forward with Regional Deals
Cabinet has agreed to invite all regions to submit proposals for Regional Deals between central and local government that drive economic growth and deliver the infrastructure our country needs, Local Government Minister Simeon Brown and Infrastructure Minister Chris Bishop say. Inviting all regions to propose a Regional Deal that boosts ...3 days ago
- MSA pilot participant update
One of the ten young men selected to participate in the Military-Style Academy Pilot has allegedly reoffended. Children’s Minister Karen Chhour is disappointed but says it would be naïve to think that none of these young men would reoffend. “I’m saddened that this young person has not taken this opportunity ...3 days ago
- Fighting for Kiwis in Trade
Delivered at Auckland Trade and Economic Policy School Good morning and thank you Deputy Vice Chancellor Lithander for your warm welcome and for inviting me to open Auckland Trade and Economic Policy School today. A Special thanks to the University of Auckland, the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade and ...3 days ago
- Attendance rates increase, again
Associate Education Minister David Seymour says that school attendance is continuing to rise. In Term 3 of 2024 51.3 per cent of students attended school regularly, an increase of 5.3 percentage points from 46 per cent in Term 3 of 2023. “This Government has prioritised student attendance and it is ...3 days ago
- Improving the lives of young New Zealanders
Ensuring New Zealand is the best place in the world for children and young people is the vision at the heart of the Government’s new Child and Youth Strategy, Child Poverty Reduction Minister Louise Upston says. “Childhood represents a huge opportunity to set people on a positive path towards living ...3 days ago
- Government continues work to reinstate livestock exports by sea
The Government is reinstating the trade of livestock exports by sea while ensuring the highest standards of animal welfare, says Associate Minister of Agriculture Andrew Hoggard.“The Government will introduce legislation changes to reinstate the trade, enhance oversight, and strengthen requirements for exporters to identify risks and manage the welfare of ...4 days ago
- Speech to the National Quality Forum 2024
Tēnā koutou katoa – it is a pleasure to be here today. I would like to begin by acknowledging the important leadership role you all play in ensuring a quality health system New Zealanders can trust. There is enormous clinical expertise in this room covering a wide range of disciplines. ...4 days ago
- New Zealand’s COP29 National Statement
Tēnā koutou katoa. Mr President, Excellencies, Delegates. New Zealand, and all nations represented here today, are already dealing with the impacts of climate change. Our households, businesses, and economies are bearing the costs of its effects. The choices we make now will shape the severity of these impacts for generations ...4 days ago
- Latest Quarterly Investment Report released
The Government has released its second Quarterly Investment Report (QIR) which shows substantial work still to be done by agencies to improve investment reporting and meet the Government’s expectations, Infrastructure and Acting Finance Minister Chris Bishop says. “New Zealand has significant infrastructure and investment needs. The Government is determined to get ...4 days ago
- New Zealand supporting loss and damage fund
Climate Change Minister Simon Watts announced New Zealand will contribute NZ$10 million to the new Fund for Responding to Loss and Damage while at the annual United Nations Climate Change Conference (COP29) in Baku, Azerbaijan. “New Zealand is joining the global effort to address the significant challenge of responding to ...4 days ago
- Gang crackdown begins at stroke of midnight
The free ride for gangs is over when the clock strikes midnight tonight, with tough new laws officially coming into effect, Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith and Police Minister Mark Mitchell say. “Gang patches will no longer be able to be worn in public. To earn the right to wear a ...4 days ago
- LGFA increases borrowing capacity to support high growth councils
The Government is welcoming the decision by the Local Government Funding Agency to increase access to financing tools for fast growing councils to support greater investment in critical infrastructure, Local Government Minister Simeon Brown says.“Communities across the country are facing an infrastructure deficit and significant population growth is projected in ...4 days ago
- Temporary Traffic Management costs revealed
The Government has revealed that over the past three years, the New Zealand Transport Agency (NZTA) has spent an eyewatering $786 million of taxpayers’ money on road cones and temporary traffic management (TTM), Transport Minister Simeon Brown says.“When I became Minister, I was surprised to learn that that NZTA did ...5 days ago
- Jurisdiction of Disputes Tribunal to double
Legislation that will double the financial jurisdiction of the Disputes Tribunal from $30,000 to $60,000 has passed first reading in Parliament today, Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith. “We need to improve court timeliness and access to justice so that Kiwis and get on with their lives. Court delays affect everyone, the ...5 days ago
- Protecting New Zealand from foreign interference
Legislation that will specifically criminalise foreign interference and strengthen espionage offences has passed first reading in Parliament today, Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith says. “It is normal and appropriate for states to interact and work to influence one another. This encourages cooperation and can have mutually beneficial outcomes. “However, the reality ...5 days ago
- Significant milestone for Canterbury Road of National Significance
Transport Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed news that the NZ Transport Agency (NZTA) Board has approved funding towards pre-implementation and early works on the State Highway 1 (SH1) Belfast to Pegasus Motorway and Woodend Bypass Road of National Significance (RoNS). “Reaching this significant milestone is a reflection of our Government’s ...5 days ago
- Health survey results to help drive change
Health Minister Dr Shane Reti says findings from the annual Health Survey highlight the need to continue driving better health outcomes for New Zealanders. The New Zealand Health Survey is an annual snapshot of key metrics measured from July 2023 – July 2024. Findings released this morning include: In 2023/24, ...5 days ago
- Final push needed to get to Smokefree 2025
A renewed effort to get people to quit smoking will build on what has worked to date and target the groups who most need support, Associate Health Minister Casey Costello said today. “The latest New Zealand Health Survey results show the daily smoking rate at 6.9 per cent and we ...5 days ago
- New diplomatic appointments
Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters has announced four new diplomatic appointments. “Our diplomats play an important role in ensuring New Zealand’s interests are maintained and enhanced across the world,” Mr Peters says. “It is a pleasure to announce the appointment of these senior diplomats from the Ministry of Foreign ...5 days ago
- Next steps for Regulatory Standards Bill
Regulation Minister David Seymour has today announced the next steps in the Government’s plan improve the quality of regulation by opening consultation on a proposed Regulatory Standards Bill. “New Zealand's low wages can be blamed on low productivity, and low productivity can be blamed on poor regulation,” says Mr Seymour. ...5 days ago
- Red Tape Tipline goes live
Minister for Regulation David Seymour has today announced that the Ministry for Regulation’s Red Tape Tipline is now live. “We want to hear about your red tape horror stories. From today, New Zealanders will have a say on how they are regulated through an online portal,” says Mr Seymour. The ...5 days ago
- Youth Parliament 2025 announced
The Minister for Youth Matt Doocey has today announced the eleventh Youth Parliament will be taking place in 2025. “Youth Parliament offers a unique youth development opportunity to young people from across New Zealand to experience the political process and learn about how government works,” says Mr Doocey. “The two-day ...6 days ago
- Police stats show promising change
After nearly a year in Government, Kiwis have seen significant change across law and order with promising early results shown across some Police statistics, says Police Minister Mark Mitchell. “In August 2023, I told New Zealanders that if they had not started to see a change in public safety within ...6 days ago
- Better coordination of anti-scam efforts
With the launch of Fraud Awareness Week, the Government is committing to new coordination efforts across industry and government to combat online scams, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly says. “Online financial scams are a growing problem for New Zealand. New data released today shows that Kiwis lost nearly ...6 days ago
- Minister to consider 7AA select committee report
Minister for Children Karen Chhour will consider the recommendations made by the Social Services and Community Committee in its report back to Parliament on the Oranga Tamariki (Repeal of Section 7AA) Amendment Bill. “I want to thank the people who made submissions and those who appeared before the committee in ...6 days ago
- Defence Minister to attend ASEAN meeting
Defence Minister Judith Collins will this week attend the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) Defence Ministers’ Meeting-Plus in Vientiane, Laos. “We need to take every opportunity to engage with our international partners, given the increasingly unstable geo-political situation,” Ms Collins says. “New Zealand has a long-standing commitment to this ...6 days ago
- ‘To love is to move towards freedom’: Parliament’s newest MP makes their maiden st...
Green MP Benjamin Doyle has joined the 54th Parliament a year into its term. Their maiden statement emphasised the need for radical love. ...5 hours ago - Live: Minister absent on crucial day as climate talks near collapse
Small island and vulnerable nations walked out of climate finance negotiations on Saturday afternoon in Baku, Azerbaijan, protesting a process they say excluded their participation and views.The COP29 talks are now on the edge of collapse on the crucial issue of a new global finance goal, as the summit has ...6 hours ago - Hīkoi hats: Why are so many people wearing red berets?
For the march to Parliament, many young wahine donned a red beret. It's a pōtae steeped in history and symbolism. ...7 hours ago
- An Ode to .. Erica Stanford
Mean Girl HighSchool swot Jan Tinetti hurries to classAs the bell rings.Slouching against the lockers,Mean Girl Erica lies in waitWith her surly gang of Teen Delinquents.Erica whispers somethingAnd leers horribly at Jan at she scurries past.Jan’s lip trembles,And a hot tear rolls down her face.The Meanies all cackle with gleeAnd ...8 hours ago
- Behind the Banner: Inside the hīkoi mō te Tiriti
Over nine days, rangatahi and veterans of past hīkoi walked shoulder-to-shoulder to take their message to Parliament. Ella Stewart and Cole Eastham-Farrelly were there. ...15 hours ago - Concern Regarding Inconsistent Designation Of Terrorist Organizations
While it is important to maintain strong alliances, it is equally crucial to uphold our Kiwi values of fairness and justice. New Zealand has always prided itself on its commitment to equality and human rights. ...15 hours ago
- New Zealand Government’s Racially Divisive Treaty Principles Bill Passes First Reading
By voting for the bill and allowing it to proceed to the select committee, the coalition parties are enabling ACT—an extremely unpopular party that received just 8.6 percent in the 2023 election—to dominate political discourse, posturing as the party of ...17 hours ago
- Fiji’s Immigration Minister steps down temporarily over ‘unauthorised’ passports for cult memb...
RNZ Pacific Fiji’s Home Affairs and Immigration Minister Pio Tikoduadua has ordered an inquiry into the “possible unauthorised issuance of passports” by immigration staff and “offered to step aside temporarily from role”. In a statement on Thursday night, Tikoduadua said the passports in question were issued to the children of ...1 day ago - A 4.45 billion-year-old crystal from Mars reveals the planet had water from the beginning
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Aaron J. Cavosie, Senior lecturer, School of Earth and Planetary Sciences, Curtin University JPL-Caltech/NASA Water is ubiquitous on Earth – about 70% of Earth’s surface is covered by the stuff. Water is in the air, on the surface and inside rocks. ...1 day ago
- COP29 summit runs overtime as finance talks falter over ‘insult’
“Is it a joke?”That’s what Bolivian diplomat Diego Balanza said on Wednesday in Baku, Azerbaijan, when asked by a reporter about the possibility of the new global climate finance goal (the NCQG) landing at just US$200 billion a year. Developing countries have been pushing for a number in the trillions, ...1 day ago
- The Weekend: What would you march for?
Madeleine Chapman reflects on the week that was. When I was a junior writer at The Spinoff, Simon Wilson joined the team as Auckland editor. He’d been the editor of Metro for many years and was easily the most experienced journalist in the room. So if we both happened to ...1 day ago - Short story: Freefall, by Owen Marshall
Gordon was meant to be with him on that hike. It wasn’t high mountain stuff, but it was rugged, and it’s always sensible to have a companion when that far into the back country. They’d planned to do it in two days and knew each other’s capabilities. But Gordon got ...1 day ago
- Celebrating families who give the ultimate gift
Amy Ng-Thomson’s first time walking up One Tree Hill/Maungakiekie was six months after a lung transplant.“It was a beautiful March day, and I always do it in March now… seeing the blue skies, the views, feeling the breeze, I get the sense that she’s with me every time I go ...1 day ago
- ‘You bring your whole life to watching TV’: Critic Diana Wichtel on a life in review
The veteran reviewer takes us through her life in television, including the allure of property shows, the crushing end of Campbell Live, and the review that got the most hate mail. Having reviewed television for The Listener for over three decades, award-winning critic Diana Wichtel has chronicled the medium through ...1 day ago
- Can poets drive? A sociocultural investigation
Of all the stereotypes about poets, perhaps the most enduring cliche is that poets can’t drive. But what evidence do we have to back that up? A non-driving poet attempts to find out the truth. Bob Dylan said it. Jo Shapcott said it. Wendy Cope said it. Martin Amis said it, ...1 day ago
- How to read a poem: selections from Slender Volumes by Richard von Sturmer
The latest in a semi-regular series that breaks down a poem to analyse what it’s really trying to tell us. I’ve been interested in Richard von Sturmer’s work since I saw him perform at Wellington’s LitCrawl years ago. He was compelling, using his whole body to thump out a poem, ...1 day ago
- ‘By golly it slaps’: Arthur Ahbez’s perfect weekend playlist
Psychedelic folk singer Arthur Ahbez shares his perfect weekend playlist. Arthur Ahbez will likely wake up this weekend with breathing exercises informed by Dutch motivational speaker Wim Hof, and perhaps a bit of yoga. That’s an ideal Saturday, but if he can’t get to it, it’s because life’s responsibilities have ...1 day ago
- Gold medal Black Ferns Sevens take on world again without three champions
The 12th edition of the World Sevens Series (SVNS) starts in earnest next weekend in Dubai. Australia are the defending champions having won the Grand Final in Madrid in May. They also won the 2023 Dubai Sevens, snapping New Zealand’s 41-game unbeaten streak in the process.The Black Ferns Sevens are Olympic ...1 day ago
- The Secret Diary of .. Heather and Barry
HEATHER DU PLESSIS-ALLANI was driving down the middle of the road and Barry who was sitting next to me said,BARRY SOPER“Watch where you’re going!”HEATHERBy which he meant of course the idiots driving on either side of us, but mainly in the left lane. And he had a good point. Because ...1 day ago
- Denmark’s uprooting of settled residents from ‘ghettos’ forms part of aggressive plan to assim...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Selma Hedlund, Postdoctoral Associate at Center of Forced Displacement, Boston University History is full of examples of governments using forced segregation against ethnic minorities. From settler colonialists coercing Indigenous peoples into reservations, Nazis forcing Jews into ghettos or the United States ...1 day ago
- Maritime Union joins opposition to live export shipments
The Maritime Union also has zero faith in government assurances of a gold standard for ships used for the trade. ...2 days ago
- Offshore oil and gas ban ‘worst political decision’, Shane Jones says
Shane Jones says the offshore oil and gas ban is "the worst political decision" he has ever been involved with. ...2 days ago
- Andrew Bayly ‘loser’ incident: Frantic texts, thumbs-up from PM, photo of drinking from ...
A series of frantic text messages from Andrew Bayly to government staffers amid scrutiny over his actions at a winery have been revealed. ...2 days ago
- ACT’s David Seymour won’t ‘bow down’ to his hapū leaders
They have pleaded with the ACT leader to stop what they say are abusive violations of Te Tiriti o Waitangi. ...2 days ago
- Former political figure who abused teens loses name suppression
However, his name remains under wraps as he has already indicated he will appeal. ...2 days ago
- Educating young people about social media would be far more effective than a ban – Finland can sh...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Susan Grantham, Lecturer in Communication, Griffith University Shutterstock The federal government’s proposed social media ban for under-16s has sparked widespread debate, affecting millions of young Australians, their families and educators. But will it actually work? While the aim behind this ban ...2 days ago
- Ant stings can be painful. Here’s how to avoid getting stung this summer (and what to do if you do...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Sam Robinson, Senior Research Fellow, Institute for Molecular Bioscience, The University of Queensland AG-PHOTOS/Shutterstock With the start of summer just days away, many of us will be looking forward to long sunny days spent at the beach, by the pool, out ...2 days ago
- Is using the Future Fund for housing, energy and infrastructure really ‘raiding Australia’s nest...
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Mark Crosby, Professor, Monash University Chichimaru/Shutterstock Australia has a seriously big “nest egg”. The Future Fund – our sovereign wealth fund set up in 2006 – now manages about $230 billion. Specifically, its remit is to “invest for the benefit ...2 days ago
- Women are less likely to receive CPR than men. Training on manikins with breasts could help
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Jessica Stokes-Parish, Assistant Professor in Medicine, Bond University Pixel-Shot/Shutterstock If someone’s heart suddenly stops beating, they may only have minutes to live. Doing CPR (cardiopulmonary resusciation) can increase their chances of survival. CPR makes sure blood keeps pumping, providing oxygen to ...2 days ago
- The Friday Poem: ‘Boyhood’ by Art Nahill
A new poem by Art Nahill. Boyhood I hate the way the dog cowers when I raise my voice. After all this time together she’s still not sure what I’m capable of. As kids with too much time we sprinkled salt on slugs plucked from summer gardens watched them shrivel ...2 days ago
- The Unity Books bestseller chart for the week ending November 22
The only published and available best-selling indie book chart in New Zealand is the top 10 sales list recorded every week at Unity Books’ stores in High St, Auckland, and Willis St, Wellington. AUCKLAND 1 Orbital by Samantha Harvey (Jonathan Cape, $26) The slight, superb winner of the Booker Prize ...2 days ago
- ‘Wanted’ for war crimes over Gaza: Israel’s Netanyahu, Gallant face ICC arrest warrants
Democracy Now! NERMEEN SHAIKH: In The Hague, the International Criminal Court has issued arrest warrants for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and former Defence Minister Yoav Gallant for crimes against humanity and war crimes committed during Israel’s assault on Gaza. In a statement, the ICC said the Israeli leaders had, ...2 days ago
- New Child Protection Investigation Unit announced by Children’s Minister
The unit will be up and running by early next year, Children's Minister Karen Chhour says. ...2 days ago
- In-person submissions on Treaty Principles Bill to be at Parliament or by video call
In-person submissions on the Treaty Principles Bill will all be held at Parliament or by video call. ...2 days ago
- ‘Got my support’ – Christopher Luxon stands by Erica Stanford after ‘stupid ...
The prime minister says it wasn't appropriate behaviour but that Erica Stanford had apologised. ...2 days ago
- Gang chapter president’s patch seized in first 24 hours of ban
The first arrest was made just three minutes after midnight, with 11 more to come. ...2 days ago
- Government slammed for pushing on with boot camps amid trial
Labour has accused National of ignoring the evidence. ...2 days ago
- The unspoken rule of conversation that explains why AI chatbots feel so human
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Celeste Rodriguez Louro, Chair of Linguistics and Director of Language Lab, The University of Western Australia Rroselavy / Shutterstock Earlier this year, a Hong Kong finance worker was tricked into paying US$25 million to scammers who had used deepfake technology to ...2 days ago
- Who were Caracalla and Geta, the cruel and unhinged Roman brother emperors depicted in Gladiator II?
Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Michael Hanaghan, Senior Research Fellow in Latin Christianity in Late Antiquity, Australian Catholic University Warning: this article contains mild spoilers. When Gladiator I was released in 2000, I was a high school Classics student and the film brought Classical literature to life ...2 days ago
- Gang patch ban: The first 24 hours
The first arrest was made just three minutes after midnight, with 11 more to come. ...2 days ago
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no comment!
What utter rubbish
Perhaps in future when an article of this nature is required one could just copy the contents of a public-domain document, like a Wikipedia article, and paste the name “Cameron Slater” in at random points?
It would be funnier.
I tend to find that just saying his name is enough to provoke a laugh, although there is an increasing incidence of vomiting being the first response, and of course there’s many people wishing he could just be donated to Japanese Research.
That’d make NZ a slightly nicer place while simultaneously putting the Japanese off whale meat forever.
😀
Not “slightly nicer”…. infinitely nicer IMO
“taping on a telegraph.”
tapping
and it would be a teashop surely?
Just goes to show the Right do humour better than the Left…………..
Holy shit!
yup, with John Key the joke is on ALL of us
In a new twist, JK has revealed that he observed from his surveillance tent beside the mansion driveway a new development:
Claire Curran entered the mansion carrying a suitcase. It’s believed (due to there being some leafy suburb foliage protruding from the suitcase) that Cunliffe was hiding inside the suitcase. When asked how he knew it was Herne Bay foliage JK said it looks nothing like the shrubs he has at home in Hawaii but he’s emailed a pic to Obama for clarification.
Keep it up Susannact. The World needs plenty of satire.
As an Alo Alo fan, that was a travesty. The idea was pretty good, but the execution isn’t worth being on a blog like this.
Very Lame
I see Colin Craig as one of the British airmen hiding under the Grandmother’s bed, but am a bit stuck casting the Grandmother. Would Farrar do drag?
nah. he does something else but saying what would really expose the standard to a defamation case but maybe that would be fun to.
we definitely know that slater spends most of his time in front of th emirror but so far that is not a crime; “I definitely never had sex with myself your honour!”.
I wonder if he never had the same sort of sex with himself that Clinton didn’t have with Monica.
It is no surprise that slater has been outed as a national party spy. Feeding Key dirt on a regular basis. More amusing that he is attacking tvnz. Over their little problem and pretends he is anything but the same.
That is BLOODY funny stuff. Well done. The best post I have ever read on the standard.
Spanishbride
High (or low) praise…
Put the cap back on the bottle.